Kagami
by Tangerine-Doll
Summary: Kaoru has yet to fully decipher his feelings for Hikaru. Amidst the physical affections going on between them, is there any hope for this budding relationship between everyone's favorite twins? explicit YAOI. HIKARUxKAORU pairing. chapter 10 now up!
1. Namida wa Shiteiru

**WARNING:** contains YAOI. 'nuff said ^^

Summary:

Kaoru's feelings for his twin wars with his desire to see Hikaru happy.

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**CHAPTER 1**

**Namida wa Shiteiru**

My eyes open, half-lidded, with an intended haze as I observe my surroundings with mock indifference and boredom. I stare at random objects in succession: the floating dust motes dancing in the stream of afternoon sunlight; the silhouette of bodies' harried movements behind a curtain; tea sets arranged meticulously on trays ready for distribution; flowers arranged artfully and expensively as centerpieces; and finally the real object of my pursuit – the sleeping form of my twin brother across from where I sit.

Almost abruptly, I close my eyes willing the image to be burned in my mind. I also do not want to get caught looking at him as if I were in need of a fix and only he can satisfy my high. I sigh in my mind. _This is sick._ I muse with a secret smile. _And also so true._

I perfectly recall the smooth lines of his jaw nestled in the curve his hand created, the expansion of his chest rising in tune to his even breathing, his lips parted in innocent sleep. I sigh in my mind. _Looking at Hikaru is such a guilty pleasure for my depraved mind._ Ironically, I simply have to glance at a mirror to see his image but I know it is simply not the same.

"Kaoru. Hikaru." I heard from somewhere at my side. "The host club will open soon."

I open an eye, irritation clearly showing in my expression. I was concentrating so hard on the picture of Hikaru lost in slumber. Haruhi was standing a few yards away, unaware of my annoyance.

I closed my eyes again hoping that I will be left alone with my mind and the pictures it conjures to satisfy my fixation. Hikaru asleep. Hikaru awake. Hikaru lying on our bed barely clothed and enjoying his latest addition to his CD collection. Hikaru soaking wet from a sudden downpour and changing his clothes, pulling his shirt over his head… Hikaru. Hikaru. Hikaru.

The bustling of girls entering the third music room finally pull me from my reverie. I noticed through my peripheral vision that Hikaru has settled beside me and was ready to while away a few hours of hosting. I sigh this time for real.

"Kaoru?" I heard him speak. His velvet-like voice wrapped around me and filled my senses with an exhilarating high. It was almost orgasmic. _All these from just hearing him utter my name._ I shudder at myself.

I look at him this time, seeing the question in his eyes.

"I just want to go home, that's all" I smile at him.

This seemed to pacify him. He returned my smile as the first of our customers arrived.

– Hikaru pulled me into his embrace and wrapped an arm around me, his hand lying dangerously low at my hips. Automatically, the fingers of one of my hands were entwined at the hair on his nape. My other hand curved around his jaw. His other hand mimicked my hand at his jaw then his fingers shifted so his thumb was rubbing delicately against my lower lip.

"Hi – Hikaruu..." I whisper breathlessly. All semblance of reason flew from my mind as I gazed into his amber eyes, drunk in the molten gold, drowning in their depths.

"You seemed so lonely, Kaoru, lost in thought. What are you thinking about?" his head dipped lower and closer to my face. I could see the individual strands of his eyelashes and I could feel his breath fan over my face gently.

"I was just… remembering last night" I flushed the deepest red I could summon. It wasn't really that hard to turn into a deep scarlet given our current position and the context of our exchange. But what nagged the recesses of my mind was that the primary reason why it was VERY easy to blush was because I had forgotten my line from staring at Hikaru's eyes.

Hikaru noticed my slip at about the same time I did and I could see it in his eyes but he didn't give me away. I mentally pulled at my hair and bemoaned what idiocy made me fail to recall what I was supposed to say. My slip sobered me up somewhat and I remembered that I was supposed to complain that he wasn't paying me enough attention. And then it hit me. _Oh my God._ Last night I was watching Hikaru in deep sleep, knowing he was naked under the sheets and what little the thin blanket covered left very little to the imagination.

"Hmmm?" To cover up for me Hikaru gave a devious grin and bent his head a little lower.

"Ne, Kaoru. Help me remember what happened last night." His head dipped another notch and his lips suddenly brushed against mine once, twice before grinning at me.

My eyes were wide with shock and panic was quickly filling up my mind. I became aware of the fan girls' fluttering hearts thundering away; the girls themselves close to the brink of fainting from hyperventilation. It was the first kiss they had seen us share. They could all drop dead for all I care. I was entirely focused on what was happening to me right now.

I suddenly couldn't breathe. I pushed Hikaru away shouting that I couldn't take it anymore. Left with nothing else to do and nowhere else to go, I ran away from Hikaru, from the customers, and from the host club. I could feel their stares burn into my back. I scampered thoughtlessly away from the third music room, rounding corners mindlessly, giving into the need to just be away from it all. I ran and ran until my lungs were heaving with exhaustion. My sides were burning with pain. But it was nothing compared to the ache I could feel in my throat and I swallowed repeatedly to thwart the treacherous escape of tears threatening to overflow.

I sat back against a wall, unsure of where I am; not that I really care. I pushed the heels of my hands against my eyes as if that could stop the tears as well. _Stupid, stupid, stupid._ I thought to myself. It was a mantra I had been singing in my head since leaving Hikaru and the others behind. _And I was doing such a good job of hiding it all from Hikaru._

Too absorbed in my misery, I belatedly realized that someone had approached me. I stiffened up in realization. There is no doubt as to who would come after me.

I felt Hikaru, gasping from the lack of air, sit at my side and lean his head against my shoulder. We stayed like that and were quiet for some time and I was immensely grateful. It gave me a chance to calm down my chaotic thoughts and my frantic feelings. I was also able to put a semblance of order in my mind and wait for Hikaru to start asking questions.

"Gomen ne, Kaoru" I heard him say quietly. "I shouldn't have done that. I apologize."

"NO!" I fairly shouted. "You - you don't have to apologize. I – I'm sorry. It's my fault. Don't blame yourself Hikaru."

Hikaru's eyes were first confused then angry. "I will apologize because it IS my fault. Don't attempt to make me feel better with platitudes I can't believe!"

I wanted to wring my hands in frustration. Gnashing at my teeth also seemed like a good idea. _How can he blame himself! _

"It clearly is my fault. I wasn't feeling like myself. I forgot my lines." So that was to be my excuse. "I left you with nothing to go on. Please don't say you're sorry. I won't accept it." I looked him straight in the face when I said this while holding his shoulders firmly willing him to believe in me and accept what I say.

He was clearly more than annoyed when he stood up abruptly, brushing my hands away. He left me there dazed from all that has happened and this time it was I who had to run after him. I barely made it as he climbed into our limo. I was pretty sure if I hadn't gone after him that he would've left me alone. His anger was almost tangible; the atmosphere inside the vehicle suffocating. He continuously ignored me, turning his back to me and stared out the window. I couldn't have been more alone than if I were actually alone. He wouldn't listen to me and I couldn't make him understand.

"Please don't do this." I whisper dejectedly to his still form. I reached out to take hold of his hand but he rejected all my attempts at reconciliation. The tears I had swallowed earlier were now stinging the back of my eyes. I turned my back to him knowing that it was a long, long ride home with no hope of deliverance form the misery.

My eyes open again, this time the gaze was met by the sight of the ceiling in our room. I give a slight shiver from the cold. I am sure that the cold is more from our fight than from the AC unit. I look over at Hikaru. _He looks so… dejected._ I realize gloomily. I know what I have to do to make him smile again but I also know it would be an outright lie if I would accept his reasoning that the recent incident that afternoon was his to blame. I just want Hikaru to be happy. I kept the madness eating away at me from him. I wanted to protect him from it. I wanted to save him from me. But I slipped up and now he blames himself. I shake my head in wretchedness at how his convoluted mind could work like so.

"Hikaru." I try again.

No response.

I stood up and sat beside him on the bed. I put my arm around him and snuggled into his neck. "Hikaru. Daijobu yo. I forgive you. Please forgive me also." My teeth worried my lower lip.

I looked up to him and I could see a ghost of a smile on his lips. "I can't bear it when we fight. Let's stop already." I was on the verge of begging but when his arm wound about my shoulder I knew that we were finally okay.

"How was today?" I asked casually. I spent most of my free time during the day with Kyouya which was why I was drinking in the sight of Hikaru before the host club opened.

"I was just with Haruhi" was his reply. I looked at him waiting for him to expound on what he said.

"Ano sa, Kaoru…." He seemed unsure of what to say or how to say it.

"Nani?" I asked lightly. I didn't want him to feel pressure to give more details lest he change the topic to something more comfortable…for both of us. Why did I have a premonition of something dreadful about to happen? I stopped breathing, waiting for him to speak again.

He fiddled with his thumbs and looked down. "I think I'm really in love with Haruhi" He let out in one breath, eager to get it out his mouth and off his chest.

I was frozen in place. _When did this happen?_ I thought I was so closely attuned to Hikaru that I would notice something like this even before it began to occur or even before he realized it himself. My heart was breaking into a thousand pieces and I knew there was no way it could be whole again.

"Kaoru?" He looked up at me then. I realized I hadn't said anything in response and I still felt frozen. I had to remind myself to breathe.

"Sou ka na? Ii da yo, ne?" I give a small smile.

"You think so?" He asked excitedly. I could easily imagine him with puppy-dog-love-filled eyes. I laugh at this. It was a poignant laugh but he was too ecstatic to notice.

"You and Haruhi make a good couple. You look good together if I say so, myself." I wink at him, aiming at joviality in spite of the despair clouding my heart, suffocating me.

"Honto?! Um… Where are you going, Kaoru?"

I suddenly became conscious of the fact that I was walking fast away from him. "I'm going to take a shower." It was the first excuse I could think of.

"It's almost midnight!" he exclaimed. "Daijobu desu ka, Kaoru?" he asked suspiciously.

"Hai hai. I just feel sticky." I laugh again, making a run for the bathroom, closing the door firmly as if it could shut the pain out. I turned the shower on and I leaned against the door, fighting to keep a grip on reality, on myself. I shudder convulsively as I try to keep the numbness threatening to overcome me at bay. But, I'm not so sure if I should fight this deadening sensation slowly creeping up my limbs to take root in the center of my chest.

I stand on shaky legs, stripped off my clothes, stepping into the shower. I gasp audibly as the icy water prickle my skin, a thousand needles making me aware of the slowly receding effects of the numbness in my being. It was so cold and I felt so bereft. By this time, I feel warm moisture on my face mingling in contrast with the deluge of water. I decided to let it out of my chest to get it over with. My eyes felt hot as I cried brokenly, leaning my head against the walls, whimpering, knowing there was no hope of solace from the person I needed it from. It is not his to give and especially not mine to take. He doesn't have to know about this. Feeling drained after the long cry with goose bumps all over my skin from the chill, I step out and haphazardly dry myself, stepping into a pair of pajama bottoms.

When I enter the bedroom, Hikaru was fast asleep already lost in his dreams. He was smiling in his sleep. His dreams must be pleasant. I shudder at the cold I'm feeling both from the shower I had taken and from the cold enveloping me again. I lay down on the bed in quiet contemplation. And as if to poke at my wounds, Hikaru flung an arm around my waist and snuggled into my shoulder, giving a sigh of contentment. I groan a little, remembering Hikaru's kiss that afternoon. It was my very first kiss. It irked me a little that there was an audience when Hikaru's lips brushed ever so tenderly over my own. My fingers linger on my lips helping me remember; feeding my obsession. I realize belatedly that given Hikaru's recent declaration I could no longer supply my mind with imaginings of what I know are impossible dreams. _I have to go cold turkey. _I push all further thoughts about The Kiss from my mind and I concentrate instead on less pleasant things.

My lips curve into a little painful, knowing smile. I could feel that sleep will not claim me and allow the sweet escape I badly need. I decided I will make the most of tonight as my last indulgence. I brushed my lips against Hikaru's forehead quietly, once, twice. His arm tightened around me. After checking that he is still asleep, I leaned over his huddled form. "I love you, Hikaru. I love you in ways you'll never even begin to imagine." It was a whispered declaration against his silken auburn hair; a caress, and an oath. Twin tears rolled slowly down my cheeks.

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JIBIKI (Dictionary)

Gomen (nasai) ~ I am sorry; pardon me; excuse me

Daijobu yo ~ all right; safe; fine; I am (It is) all right

Ano sa ~ "hey" ("about that" works too =D)

nani ~ What

Sou ka na ~ is that so

Ii da yo, ne ~ that's good, isn't it?

Honto ni ~ really, truly, indeed

desu ka ~ denotes a question

Hai ~ yes

Namida wa shiteiru ~ tears know

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A/N:

here it is ~ my first fan fiction.

I would appreciate constructive criticisms so much. review please!

English is my second language and I am a follower of the Self-Study-Japanese-Movement. If I have made mistakes please do tell me about it. ^^;

See y'all in the next chapters to come, hopefully. I'm thanking you in advance for that review =) Make my day!


	2. Nanimokamo to Nanimo

**WARNING:** contains YAOI LOVE.

Summary: Kaoru's feelings and wishes for Hikaru are still at war with each other. Which side is on the verge of winning?

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**CHAPTER 2**

**Nanimokamo to Nanimo**

I was painfully awakened by the blinding light and an incessant ringing. It seems I had just fallen asleep when I was awoken from my slumber. I saw Hikaru looking at me with a worried look on his face. I closed my eyes as his fingers brushed against my damp hair.

"Oi, Kaoru! Omae wa netsu ga aru!" His voice rang displeasure, with a hint of concern and distress. I didn't reply. Reality was still obscured in my sleep-muddled brain. "Should I stay home and watch over you?"

I fought to open an eye to look at him. "Iya da yo, Hikaru. You should go to school." My tongue felt sluggish and it was painful to swallow. I feigned sleep as Hikaru moved about, preparing to go to school. Every now and then I could feel him glance in my direction. I suddenly found myself wishing that I could watch him and feast my eyes on him. But I decided last night that the madness had to end. It was better this way. I'm still trying to convince myself that it is.

"Are you sure you'll be alright? Iku ka dooka wakaranai."His intonation was heavily laced with hesitation. I wasn't sure if his indecision comes from leaving me alone or if he can endure not going to school.

"Aa. Just go, Hikaru. I'll be alright." I hid my face under the covers wishing he would take it as a not-so-subtle clue that I wanted to be left alone to rest.

"Genki ni naru. Kaoru. Please take care of yourself while I'm gone." I felt him touch my hair before leaving the room, the dull thud of the closing door reverberated in the room, signaling his departure.

I peeped from the blanket with tear-stained eyes. 'Hikaru…" My voice was weak and barely audible as I called out to the empty room. I felt the familiar stinging as I closed my eyes against the moisture. I didn't want to cry anymore. I just willed myself to sleep until my stubborn mind finally gave in.

When I woke up, the midday sun's rays greeted me. I felt slightly better and I remembered taking an antipyretic sometime in the morning. I have to take one every four hours. I barely recall the doctor who came into the room while I slept, disturbing me just enough to assess my condition and prescribe me my medicines. _Eat well, Rest well,_ he said. I went downstairs to grab an apple from the kitchen.

Walking through the hallways back to our room, I passed by a mirror. I couldn't help but look at it, eager for the image of Hikaru to meet my gaze. But I looked like hell. My eyes were red. My nose was red. It was not Hikaru's reflection that greeted me as I gazed into the mirror. Hitachiin Kaoru stared back at me. But it was not a Kaoru that I knew. This Kaoru was unfamiliar – I felt a twinge in my chest as I realized that the person staring back at me looked dispirited and damaged beyond repair. I watched the reflection's eyes widen in understanding. Was this why Hikaru seemed worried this morning even before he found out I was sick?

I grasped that I have not been putting the best of efforts in putting up a façade of normalcy for Hikaru since… since last night. The reminder made the reflection's expression crumple in devastation. But now was not the time to feel sorry for myself. _Another time_, I promised myself, when there was no risk of Hikaru finding out. He was due back home in a little while. I went back to the kitchen to find something better to eat. If I had to force feed it down my own throat, I would. A passing thought made me smile a little against the food I fought to swallow. _Maybe I really am the mature one_. I could only hope I was right – for Hikaru's sake and mine as well.

I pressed tightly against my temples feeling a migraine starting. I rubbed in a circular manner in an attempt to fight off the pain. I could feel the numbers mocking me from my unfinished homework making my already exhausted mind spin. I hate math. Why couldn't we have had a modern Japanese homework instead – something I could easily and happily accomplish even while drunk or stoned. I forced my eyes to open and my mind to concentrate.

I was too busy focusing on concentration that I didn't hear Hikaru's silent approach. Advancing with silent cat-like steps, I gasped in visible surprise when I suddenly felt his arms around me, his face nuzzling my neck.

"Hika- Hikaru! What the-" I turned my head to cast him a curious glance. _Does he hear the racing beat of my heart?_

"You need help, Kaoru?" He smiled at me. I was pretty sure he knew that I did need his help. He knew me inside out. Or he used to – anyway.

"Tasukete… kudasai?" I mumbled slowly. I was in no mood to play games when I just wanted to sleep and rest. He seemed to sense this and proceeded to assist me with my homework. The moment the last value of X was solved, I dropped my pencil and jumped on the bed eager to sleep – to escape. I turned onto my stomach and nestled my face into the welcoming softness of the pillows.

Hikaru seemed to find this funny and followed suit after me. "Excited to sleep?" He teased me. "Or maybe you're just drunk. Or high on Tylenol" He sniggered at his own joke.

"Aa" I murmured against the pillow not really caring what I was agreeing to. "I'm too tired" My lids felt heavy. I felt the need to sleep NOW before I start thinking… and remembering.

His arm wrapped around me affectionately. 'I missed you today, Kaoru. It was … different without you there."

I opened one sleepy eye, half of my face still burrowed into the soft down. "You'll get used to it" I said in a teasing tone. But I knew I meant what I said. _Did he?_

"Iya da yo, Kaoru! Zettai arienai! Do you really think that?"

Sleep suddenly seemed to take last place in my list of priorities. I heard the rising panic in his voice. I raised my head as he hugged me tightly. _What? I don't understand his reaction._

"Sore wa jodan dake Hikaru." I whispered soothingly to calm him down. "Atarimae da."

"Honto?" he finally looked up to me.

"Aa. Promise." I smiled at him. And he smiled back. I finally let my head fall back into the bed, giving in to the heaviness tugging at my eyelids.

"Kaoru …." He began again. I raised an eyebrow in response "Are you sure you're all right? That there is nothing bothering you? Nothing at all? Even if it's just an inkling…I promise I won't laugh. I'm here."

"Yes, I'm fine.." I said.

He said no more after that. Maybe the truth of my previous declaration was still ringing in his ears that he failed to see what an obvious lie my simple affirmation was.

Tonight I let sleep claim me, lulled into slumber by Hikaru's even and quiet breathing and his warmth nestled closely at my side. The last thought echoing through my mind before I became unconscious was the haunting wish that Hikaru would realize that everything was not all right. Nothing is, anymore.

_

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_

JIBIKI (Dictionary)

Omae wa netsu ga aru ~ you have a fever

Iya ~ No

Iku ka dooka wakaranai ~ I'm not sure whether I'll go

Aa ~ yes

Genki ni naru ~ get well.

Tasukete kudasai ~ please help me

Zettai arienai ~ absolutely impossible

Sore wa jodan dake ~ That was just a joke

Atarimae da ~ naturally

Honto ~ really, truly, indeed

Nanimokamo to Nanimo ~ Everything and Nothing

Medical Lingo

Antipyretic ~ for fever (e.g. Tylenol)

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A/N :

Review pretty please. the hitachiin love demands it! ^,^


	3. Miwaku Sareteiru

**DISCLAIMER: **OHSHC is not mine and will never be. *sob* I am merely using the characters to play out my sick fantasies. =D

**WARNING:** This fan fiction is the epitome of YAOI (boyxboy) LOVE.

**AUTHOR'S DRIVEL: **

By request, instead of the JIBIKI at the end of the chapter, translations for any Japanese lingo are now found immediately after the phrase itself [like so] for easy comprehension.^,^ But I would like to insist to still place the chapter title's translation at the very end. (I get a bizarre kick out of it n,n.) And so, without further ado, chapter three:

**Summary:**

Kaoru's mental and emotional struggles continue on. Is there still any hope of salvation?

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**CHAPTER 3**

**Miwaku Sareteiru**

I yawned loudly on purpose, intentionally ignoring the dictates of social etiquette. I also rolled my eyes sharply at Hikaru's antics – I absolutely have no intention to debate with myself whether "antics" is the right term for Hikaru's… inclination towards Haruhi. He is drawn towards her like the earth gravitates toward the sun. And who am I, the moon – dark, solitary – to even compare? I groan loudly at my own lame metaphor, shuddering with disdain at myself. I yawn again to give the appearance of drowsiness, boredom, - anything to hide this bitter taste in my mouth that just won't go away. Thankfully, the last of the day's customers finally left a while ago. Otherwise I was bound to receive an earful of biting remarks from Kyouya, and a lecture on being gentlemanly from Tamaki if the clients were to witness my deviation from propriety. _Now that's ironic._ I smirked to myself. _Since when had I given a damn about decency? Oh, yes. I started giving a damn since one month ago when Hikaru admitted to me that_… My mood soured considerably as I stopped the train of thought from going any further.

"Kao-chan!" I was suddenly pulled into Hunny-senpai's arms as he twirled me around and around and around endlessly… then a wave of nausea suddenly overtook me and I had to make him stop from turning us into a two-man carousel. The room was still spinning dizzily around me when I asked him what he wanted.

"Kao-chan, keki ga taberu? [Do you want to eat cake?] I could swear that the flowery aura around him, so in contrast to my current dark disposition, just made me want to vomit more. I think my face was actually green and I tried to swallow convulsively to calm down the queasiness in my stomach. Hearing Hunny mention cake made me want to run to the nearest comfort room. I swallowed once more.

"Iya Hunny-senpai. Tabenai." [Don't want to eat]. My voice was strained. I watched him spin off to find Mori-senpai, I assume. I was so occupied in making my stomach settle down that he was in mid-pivot when a delayed thought finally occurred to me: "Anou, Hunny-senpai?" [Hey] I asked tentatively. He turned to look at me with curious eyes.

"How did you know I am Kaoru?"

He grinned childishly at me, placed his face inches from mine, pressed his finger to his lips and whispered slyly "Himitsu da yo, Kao-chan!" [It's a secret!] I watched in disbelief as he fluttered away calling out for his Takashi. Hunny-senpai is actually so astute and perceptive but he fools everyone with his innocent looks and childish demands. I shook my head a bit swearing never to presume to know a person based merely what is seen. _Or what they let others see._ I amended silently to myself. I saw Hikaru alongside Haruhi, trying to convince her that allowing him to bring her home is a matter of life and death – for him, anyway. I saw her finally nod in forced acceptance when she realized Hikaru will not accept refusal of his - er - request and I watched him smile with unabashed glee upon gaining her consent. You would've thought he won a campaign against Kyouya as dictator of the world or something like that I thought bitterly. I looked around the room wondering why Tamaki wasn't screaming out his disapproval for the entire continent to hear. I realized belatedly only the three of us remain.

Everything is just so painfully complicated. While Hunny has successfully diverted my gloomy thoughts albeit only for a few moments, which, I suppose was his real intent, I could not prevent my mind from returning to my imperceptive twin. There is no escape from this. I'm always thinking about Hikaru.

I had no wish to be the intruder and it pains me so bad to be with Hikaru at times like this. I had no misgivings towards Haruhi, who is after all, HARUHI. I also held no hate towards my twin. This is something I took upon myself and so far, I have been able to hold onto what remains of my emotional stability_. I need a breather._ I stood up.

"Oi, Hikaru, you and Haruhi go ahead and take the limo. I want to buy something on the way home." I grabbed my school stuff and whispered lowly to my twin's ear "Ganbatte kudasai. Hikaru." [Do your best.] I let his name roll tortuously, lovingly on my tongue before I pushed away, waving them both a silent farewell with a casual flick of my hand.

"Ato de aimasho, Kaoru." [See you later.] I heard Hikaru call out to my departing figure.

I leaned against an outside wall in the first secluded spot I could find. Finally away from the despair suffocating me, I closed my eyes and took huge gulps of cool air luxuriously reveling in the feeling of just being able to breathe without a twinge deep in my chest or stinging in my eyes. Admittedly, I can breathe easier when Hikaru wasn't around. I still miss him madly though. And I felt incomplete during times like these when I would try to run away from him for a little while just to regain some of my sanity. However, there were instances that I was alone and suddenly be overcome by a grief so powerful that I find myself horribly wanting. But when I can take and enjoy what little pleasure my reprieve from the pain gives me, I am immensely grateful and I find myself whispering a silent prayer of thanks.

I consider myself lucky that so far, no one has been able to guess much of my situation. Even the most observant of the hosts only mildly suspected that something was wrong. The "Brotherly love" act was still strong as ever; I was still practically connected to Hikaru's side most of the time; except when he goes off to woo Haruhi or when I take my respite from the farce I find myself in all the time. I learned early on to separate myself from Hikaru when he is in "court-Haruhi-mode" and be able to make my escape gracefully. When asked, I answer simply and truthfully that I want to give Hikaru some privacy. I find no need to mention that I also take what privacy I can during those very convenient times.

I laugh. If only Hikaru knew what I was really up to, he would surely be proud of me and how I almost cunningly engineered it to prevent anyone from finding out. My fingers quickly brush moisture at the corner of my eye. I tell myself it was due to the hilarity of the moment.

During times like these I also contemplate on my actions and decisions. Is it what I really want? I delude myself into thinking that it is. I know that I am simply trying and continuously wanting to do the right thing by Hikaru. I know that but I do not acknowledge it consciously; I might not be able to take the pain of loving Hikaru this way. In any case, any brother in my shoes (minus the fall in love with your twin dilemma) would support his twin the way I'm doing right now.

Finally I was satisfied that I have regained enough composure to face a few more days, nights, and more bouts of flirting with Hikaru at the host club. I push lightly against the wall to take a stroll. I was smiling to myself, feeling a little giddy, though I have no idea why.

Suddenly, I had the chilling feeling that I was not alone as I originally thought. I suppressed a feeling of irrational anger at the unknown person and looked around silently, peeking through bushes to check whoever was intruding on my privacy. Around a shrub, to the opposite corner of the garden brick wall, I spied a girl. I shrugged as I began to walk away already starting to dismiss her as insignificant. But I was surprised at myself when I involuntarily did a double take to take another look at her.

I squinted against the afternoon sun and observed her silent, unyielding profile. She was seated at the very edge of the bench, her arms stretched out behind her as she leaned on them, her hands supporting her weight. Her face was turned upwards towards the sun, basking in its warmth. There was something haunting about her. I couldn't exactly pinpoint what that is but I took out my cell phone from my pocket, zoomed in on her face and took three discreet shots. I wasn't disappointed. I was able to capture the girl's face and the intriguing quality it had. I silently pocketed my mobile.

Hands in my pockets, I tried to appear nonchalant as I crossed the expanse that separated us. Stopping a few feet from her, I gazed at her again, feeling a bit annoyed why she had this magnetism I can't resist. I toyed around the idea that this is how Hikaru felt towards Haruhi and maybe now, we can be like normal brothers – or more accurately, I can finally be a normal brother for him.

The girl had long midnight black hair that was in total contrast to her creamy skin. I silently noted how her skin and hair color complimented her perfectly unlike some of the black-haired-pale-skinned women I have seen before. I had to remind myself to breathe. She had long dark lashes that fanned prettily against her flushed cheeks. Her dark brows arched gracefully and her lips were curved in a slight smile. I blushed as I realized she had opened her eyes and was watching me stare at her. I felt hot blood rush to my face and I momentarily cursed my predisposition to blushing from playing the uke at the host club. I let my eyes travel up her lips to gaze into her eyes. I expected them to be an ordinary brown or something but I was suddenly looking into deep pools of violet looking up to me questioningly.

I realized I had to do something. I held out a hand to her. "Hitachiin Kaoru desu." [roughly translates to: "My name is Kaoru Hitachiin" although the formal way would be to say "Watashi no namae wa Hitachiin Kaoru desu.]

She stood up slowly, still not breaking our gaze into each other's eyes. She tipped her head to one side, still looking at me intently, curiously. I was beginning to feel like an idiot and began to lower my hand. My mind was working double time trying to decide on an appropriate pull out tactic without humiliating myself further.

I was nearly knocked breathless with surprise when she closed the gap between us. With my arm still half-extended, my hand accidentally grazed her hip. I dropped my hand as if it were burned. I lowered my gaze attempting to cover my eyes with my hair wondering how I had gotten myself in such an awkward situation. I berated myself for not leaving earlier. Damn! I just had to appease my curiosity!

I felt the tip of her finger settle under my chin. She slowly raised my head and I was left with no choice but to allow her the action. Her fingers dragged across my cheek then her fingers brushed the hair away from my face, revealing my eyes.

"I know who you are." I heard her say quietly. "The younger of the Hitachiin twins and Hikaru-san is your aniki." [older brother]

I was tempted to avert my gaze but I knew she wouldn't let me. I also wanted to lock eyes with her forever. I felt her silent stare was slowly stripping me of all my layers until she knew the essence of my being: someone hopelessly in love with his twin. I shifted a bit, feeling unnerved. I absolutely had no idea what to do. I almost wish I were with Hikaru instead, suffering at his side. _Almost? Interesting._

I wanted to hear her speak again in that soft, musical voice. "I do not know who you are." I told her. I wished she would tell me her name. A part of my brain shouted at me that my words came out wrong, somehow. I made myself sound like an obnoxious bastard. As I became aware this, my eyes widened and I watched her expression shift a little as if to say "Don't worry. I know what you meant." Before I was able to form a coherent reaction, her finger at my chin disappeared. I frowned. It was like something holding me up vanished and I was floating senselessly only to plummet somewhere unknown. I did not like that feeling.

She finally broke the spell her gaze held on me to return to her place on the bench. I thought I was dismissed and was about to turn away but she looked up at me again and I saw that she had allotted me a place beside her. The bench was long enough for two persons without invading the comforts of personal space.

I gingerly sat one end unsure of what to do, not really expecting anything now. The girl, whoever she was, is like no other girl I have met before. She certainly was not like the customers of the host club, nor was she like level-headed Haruhi. When I looked back at her, I saw that she was looking at me. Before the faintest red could even creep up my skin, I heard her speak again.

"Maeno Misa, 1-C. Dozo yoroshiku, Hitachiin-kun" [When used in an introduction this means: "Please be good to me." The "-kun" honorific is used to address younger people or peers most especially boys. *]

"Yoroshiku." I answered back.

We stayed like that for some time. She had resumed her position of delighting in the warmth of the fading sun's rays and I, too, looked up to the sky relishing the moment's peace this unusual turn of events gave me. I missed Hikaru and yet here I was, with a girl I just met to whom I felt an inexplicable kinship. I wonder idly what he and Haruhi are up to. A sharp pang crept up my chest but as I inhaled deeply, I found that my mind was not in turmoil despite the lingering pain. It was oddly comforting being with this girl.

I stood up abruptly, suddenly comprehending just how late it already was. Beside me the girl, Misa, also stood up quietly. I was actually feeling torn: I didn't want to leave this quiet haven I have found. I knew what awaited me at home. I brought out my phone and handed it to her. She entered her contact details and returned it to me. I looked at her to say goodbye but she pressed her finger to her lips then pressed it to mine. Then she smiled at me like we shared a secret. In an instant, she had walked away from me. I knew it was foolish to run after her so I turned to go home myself. Suddenly, I found myself looking forward to the succeeding days instead of the usual reticence I used to feel whenever I think about tomorrow…

I was still lost in my musings when I entered our room, still smiling slightly. I stepped though the threshold and the smile disappeared. Hikaru was obviously displeased about something. He was sitting on the bed with only his pants on, lying against the headboard.

"Where have you been?" He demanded of me, making me feel like a truant spouse.

"Just walking around… I lost track of time." I glanced at him, his stare still ominous as I quietly changed clothes. His frown bored into my back as I stepped into our adjacent bathroom for a shower.

Now wearing loose pants, I reentered our bedroom and saw his frustrated expression. I switched the topic, feeling uneasy. "How was it with Haruhi today?" _Did he hear the slight catch in my voice?_

He sighed. "You know Haruhi – she is so dense about stuff like romance and…" I couldn't help it – I laughed out loud when he said this. _You should speak for yourself Hikaru!_

"Oi, what's funny, Kaoru?" He looked irritated again – pissed would actually be a better term.

"I think it's expected of Haruhi to be like that." I shrugged offhandedly.

He sobered up and gave a sad discontented face. "What is it, Hikaru?" I inquired quietly from my side of the bed. He slowly crawled to my side and I knew that he wanted to be held. _God, save me._ I pleaded silently, futilely. I drew on the strength and calm I had stored that afternoon. I turned to face him and he sought comfort from my trembling arms. I wonder why he does not notice my quivering embrace. Then I felt him shake softly in my arms.

I looked down at him, unsure of what was wrong. I leaned my cheek against his hair hoping he would calm down soon. I'm not sure I can tolerate this much intimacy without the safety provided by the watchful eyes at the host club.

"Kaoru…" he mumbled against my chest. I didn't answer. I was unable to speak.

"I feel so lonely. It's like we haven't spent much time together lately. But that can't be right, ne? We're only apart whenever I'm able to persuade Haruhi to spend time with me. I don't understand myself, Kaoru – why I'm feeling this way."

I said nothing. I just swallow loudly. He peered up at me and I had to take a sharp intake of breath. He was so close… just inches away… In the dim moonlight, I can see the outline of his lips, parted slightly… It took everything I got and more to stay still. My labored breathing permeated the silence in the room.

I closed my eyes. Maybe I can resist better if I didn't look into his eyes. I realized it was a useless effort. I can still see him in my mind's eye. _I love you, Hikaru, more than ever._

I felt him press a wispy kiss to my forehead. "Kaoru…" From my forehead, he placed butterfly kisses along my cheek, repeating my name between kisses before finally resting his lips near my mouth. The memory of the other kiss we shared was still imprinted clearly in my mind. I could feel one month's worth of struggle, mind and reflex conditioning, and suffering all become meaningless – nothing but dim memories of the person I wanted to be for Hikaru. I couldn't bear to think that the pain of the past four weeks were all in vain. _Please._ I have no idea who I am begging or what I am asking for. _This is torture._

Then Hikaru rubbed his lips against mine. I recoiled and gasped in shock to find that I have recovered my voice. "Hika- Hikaruu. What are you doing?" One part of me was lamenting why I pulled away and a smaller part begged me to run away. Fight or flight. Win or lose.

"It's just a kiss, Kaoru." He whispered and continued to rub our lips together. _Just a kiss._ I wanted to dance in joy and cry at the same time. _Something is not right,_ my mind protested at me.

Hikaru parted my lips, drawing another gasp from me. When he suckled and nibbled at my lower lip, I thought I'd go mad. His tongue flirted with my lip repeatedly and I could taste him. I sorely wanted to touch my tongue to his. My senses were heightened; it was as if every kiss, every touch were magnified – more electrifying. Undiluted heat was coursing through my veins. Hikaru moaned into my mouth.

It took every ounce of will power I got but I still somehow found it within me to grab hold of Hikaru's shoulders firmly. Before I allowed this to get too far, I wanted to be sure of one thing first: "Hikaru?"

His answer was to lower his head toward mine again but I stubbornly pushed against his shoulder. This boy – he is my twin – and sometimes I know him better than he does himself, even if I knew I was better off not knowing.

The nagging suspicion inside me uncurled slowly until I felt sick to my stomach. My heart was racing; I could hear its pounding in my ears. I almost didn't want to ask but I knew I had to, though I knew the answer even before the question left my lips. Through gritted teeth I asked him "Hikaru, are you using me as a rebound?"**

"What?!" He sounded surprised but he pulled away from me and I had my answer.

Sadly, and I could tell he wasn't even conscious of what he was doing, I turned my back to him, tears falling silently down my eyes. I will not give him the satisfaction of hearing my sobs. The worst part was that if he still continued kissing me, I wouldn't have found the strength to say no. He would be able to persuade me with no effort at all; with just a touch, _just a kiss_.

My hand groped blindly against the nightstand, desperately clutching at my cellphone. Fumbling through the menu, I searched for Misa's picture: smiling, glowing, peaceful. The tears subsided somewhat and suddenly I can't wait for tomorrow. I do not know what I feel for this girl who could speak to me in volumes without uttering a single word and who could look at me and see through my soul. I only knew she could offer me deliverance from all this.

Hikaru was still in bed when I left early the next day, a cold shower removed all trace of puffiness from my eyes. I didn't attend any of my morning classes but I loitered around the school grounds, spending most of my time at the bench where I found so much peace yesterday. I irrationally hoped she would be there as she had been the day before.

Around lunch, I sent Kyouya-senpai mail saying I won't be attending club activities that day. There were a few messages from Hikaru but I ignored them. I was hanging on to the last vestiges of my sanity. As I neared section 1-C, I was greeted excitedly by a group of girls, regular customers "Konnichiwa… eto… Hitachiin-kun" [Good-day….um….Hitachiin-kun]

"Hikaru yo." I answered, perfectly imitating Hikaru's voice.

"Kyaaaah! Hikaru-kun genki desu ka? Kaoru-kun wa doko?" [How are you? Where is Kaoru?]

The incessant chatter continued on and I just wanted to get away. Then I spotted Misa walking across a corridor. One of the girls noticed. I was about to look away when she said something that caught my attention very much.

"Sono hito wa Misa-chan. Kawaiso na kanojo wa desu ne?" [That person is Misa-chan. Pitiful isn't she?] The others nod in agreement. Hoping to not look too interested, I shot a cursory glance at the girl who said that but another one answered my silent inquiry.

"Anou… maybe you'll understand Hikaru-kun. Misa-chan lost her twin last year in a very terrible accident. Then she transferred this year to Ouran."

Whatever I was expecting, this definitely wasn't it. I was rendered speechless by this new discovery. Thankfully, afternoon classes were about to start and I was left alone to contemplate things. Lost in my reverie, I wasn't paying attention to my surroundings and I bumped into – of all people – Kyouya-senpai.

And that is why I now find myself in the host club in the afternoon. I was itching to get away and find her. Playing the act today with Hikaru was awkward. I half-heartedly went along with his endeavors at affection.

A door opened and I was too annoyed to look in the direction the sound came from. More customers meant a longer wait. Hikaru was squirming uncomfortably in his seat. He misinterpreted the reason for my mood, although he certainly contributed to it a bit for his actions the past night. If last night hadn't happened, I wouldn't be this desperate. Kyouya's voice called out to our table. "Kaoru, you have a customer."

Both Hikaru and I looked up at the same time, identical expressions on our identical faces. This never happened in the past. Before I could stand up, Hikaru was on his feet to greet the new customer. I couldn't have cared any less and I was slightly grateful that he was taking my place. I could leave earlier. But when I saw who was standing beside Kyouya, I froze in my seat, willing myself to be a silent spectator. _What would Hikaru do? What would happen?_

Much to Hikaru's chagrin and my delight, Misa ignored Hikaru's extended hand and walked towards me. A silent gasp of astonishment echoed throughout the third music room. I was also feeling shock myself. Misa was bolder today. I liked it. In a familiar gesture, she placed the tip of her finger on my chin and raised it, willing my eyes to meet hers. _Missed me?_ She silently inquired. _Surprisingly, I did._ I answered just as mutely. Suddenly, I felt that everything was somehow going to be okay, one way or another. The heavy weight in my chest disappeared. She felt this and we spontaneously laughed loudly together, our voices mingling harmoniously. Another gasp resounded. The other remaining customers were casting curious glances at us. Hikaru looked murderous. Kyouya was contemplative.

I looked into Misa's eyes. There were a lot of things I wanted to talk about. _Later_. Her eyes promised. She took my hand and paid for the remainder of my afternoon. We ran outside and I didn't care where she took me. I didn't care that we just committed an unspoken taboo in the host club – one twin entertaining a customer apart from the other. All I know was that this sense of tranquility she gave me was something I desperately needed. Even now, I could feel it permeating through my senses. She was like a witch casting a magic spell to protect me from everything. We were now walking unhurriedly. I tensed up, feeling guilty, like I was using her for my own selfish needs. But she squeezed my hand. I finally understood. She needed me also.

_

* * *

  
_

*"Hitachiin-kun" can be roughly translated to "Mr. Hitachiin" while Kaoru-kun would denote a friendly relationship or at least acquaintances. Disregarding the honorific completely as in "Kaoru" indicates a really close relationship or an intimate one.

** I'm not so sure about this term. In our country, when for example a guy gets dumped by a girl, then the guy finds out that another girl likes him. And he pursues the other girl as a "rebound" – tsk! Please tell me if I used this term incorrectly. In the meantime, I'm trying to come up with a better alternative.

* * *

A/N:

Miwaku Sareteiru ~ Spellbound

What do you think of my dear Maeno Misa-chan? ^^ what do you want me to do with her? =D I originally planned her to be a cynic but she turned out to be a completely different person. I mentioned a twist in the previous chapter and a twist there will be. : )

Pretty please review before proceeding to the next chapter. Really, you would?! Aw…. I love u ^^


	4. Usotsuki

**DISCLAIMER: **HITACHIIN HIKARU and KAORU are not mine and will never be. *sob* I am merely using the characters to play out my sick fantasies. =D

MAENO MISA is a figment of my imagination. My subconscious created her especially for this story.

* * *

**CHAPTER 4**

**Usotsuki**

I followed Misa's pull on my hand wholeheartedly. I could feel the exhilaration rushing through my veins and the quickening of my heart. I felt lightheaded from the feeling of freedom coursing through me. We were running up a staircase and I was panting from the exertion of climbing. She led me through a dimly lit corridor and pushed open a door. We stepped out into the night, bathed by the shimmer of a million stars.

We were on the rooftop at Misa's house, lying down, both our arms outstretched sideward as we gazed at the expanse of the night sky brimming with diamonds. I was awe-struck by the breathtaking sight.

"Have you ever seen anything as beautiful?" she asked me.

I turned my head to look at her. Her face was still turned upwards, still staring lovingly at the brilliance above us. I returned my gaze at the heavens' radiance and I saw Hikaru. The brightness slowly faded and then only Hikaru's face was all that I could see. I didn't answer.

I cleared my throat. "Thank you" I told her. I felt her turn her head to look at me. _For?_

"Thank you – for being here, right now; for doing this for me." I answered.

She sat up, slowly shaking her head. "Kaoru" she purred. Then she leaned over me, her hands at opposite sides of my head, her long dark tresses creating a curtain that seemed to shield me from the rest of the world. "You know what's funny about people? People think they do things for others, they think it's being 'kind'. But what they don't realize is that they're actually doing it for their own sake." Her palms rested at my cheeks. "To illustrate: when we apologize, we want to make the other person feel better right? But the end result is we are also trying to make ourselves feel better. We are selfish; it's our nature, Kaoru. Remember that."

I was shocked into speechlessness; first, by our close proximity and second, by the words she uttered. She smiled at my stillness. "I'm not who you think I am, Kaoru." She whispered. As she pulled away from me, I could see a faint glimmer of sadness cloud her eyes. But she blinked and then it was gone.

She stood up. "I brought you here because I wanted to share this to you." I watched her sweep her hand to gesture at the heavens. She looked at me meaningfully as I rose. "I showed you this not because I was being kind; but because I enjoy it more when I have someone with me. It doesn't feel as lonely."

I was oddly touched by her peculiar words. I amended my earlier statement. "Then, let me thank you – for being honest with me." She laughed at that.

"But, do you really believe that? Is there no exception?" I queried, still intrigued by her theory.

She was silent for a while, deep in thought; thinking about my question thoroughly. "Maybe, if one considers the thought behind the action, then it isn't so bad, deshou?" [Right?] She allowed me that, at least.

"Aa." I replied, nodding my head. [Yes]

She walked me to the door. I was entering the waiting limo when she tugged at the sleeve of my coat. "Kaoru." She looked deep into my eyes. "What is it that you want?"

I thought desperately for an answer. I decided to tell her honestly, as she had always done for me. "I want Hikaru – my brother – to be happy. I want to stop feeling these unnecessary emotions for him. I want to be what I should only be – for him."

She let go of me and waved me farewell. Through the dark drive home, my answer echoed strongly in my ears.

When I walked into the bedroom, I was still absorbed in my contemplations. Then, I felt something collide into me forcefully, I was tumbling backwards until I felt my back crash into the closed door. "Hikaru!"

"Where have you been all this time, Kaoru?! I was so worried. You didn't return my calls. You didn't even text me. Where did you go?" Hikaru was shaking uncontrollably. "I'm sorry for last night. Don't get mad at me anymore, please. Kaoru."

"Hikaru… let me go."

"No! Kaoru! Who was that girl? Why didn't you tell me about her!" he demanded. "I just met her Hikaru. I ..." But he didn't even let me finish. "I don't like her, Kaoru!" He screamed at me. I frowned at this. "But you don't even know her!" I fairly yelled at him. "And you do?! You told me you just met her!" He challenged at me.

I was annoyed at how this conversation turned out. I was also so infuriated at Hikaru. Did he have to taint the one thing that remained unsullied in my life? "Well obviously I know her more than you do since we spent the entire afternoon and half the night together!" I bellowed back at him.

He was taken aback at this. I leaned against the door for support. We were shooting angry looks at each other, our chests heaving with a lot of silent accusations, our lips brimming with emotions we longed to voice out.

'Is she your girlfriend?" He asked quietly. "Maybe." I said. He looked at me sharply. "But we haven't gotten around to finalizing our relationship since we have only known each other for two days!" I added sarcastically and unnecessarily. Tremors were running all throughout my body.

Hikaru was looking at the floor, his hands clenched into fists and his form was rigid. "If she were to become your girlfriend, Kaoru, I'd like to meet her formally." I suppressed a twitch in my arm that wanted to punch him. I settled for the wall instead.

BAM! He looked up in alarm, startled by the sound. "Hikaru you are an absolute idiot! She is not my girlfriend! She. Is. My. Friend." I bit each word out."She was right, you know." I said, more to myself. "People are selfish even if they do not realize it. But sometimes, ignorance is not a good enough excuse anymore."

I walked away him and headed for our bathroom. The frustration I felt was still making me tremble every now and then. I didn't bother to close the door as I undressed and stepped into the shower, rubbing absentmindedly at the soreness at my hand; it was nothing compared to the tightening in my chest.

I was not aware of Hikaru's presence until he stepped into my line of vision. I ignored him pointedly, not wanting to speak anymore. I grabbed a pair of towels, wrapped one around my waist and the other I used to dry myself off. Adequately dry, I tossed the towels to a corner and slipped on a pair of boxers. Hikaru was waiting for me in the middle of the room, dressed like me. I passed by him and lied down on the bed, facing the wall. I was still fuming over what happened. I felt the bed dip as he sat down on his side.

"I know you're entitled to get mad at me, Kaoru." He received no answer. "Well, you can pretend to ignore me but I'll speak anyway and you have no choice but to listen." I gritted my teeth. "Look, I don't know what came over me. I was so mad when you suddenly left with her" He choked on the last word but he continued on. "I felt like you abandoned me or something. Or that you were involved in something that excluded me. I felt so alone." I could almost hear a vein pop in my head from the fresh wave of anger his words caused me. "I don't know why I felt like that. I realize that I sound so hypocritical right now because I'm doing the same thing to you aren't I, Kaoru, whenever I'm alone with Haruhi?" Some of my annoyance disappeared. A pregnant, permeating silence ensued. He seems unsure of how to go on.

"I just want to apologize, Kaoru. I – I don't understand myself anymore. It's like there's something happening that I have no control of. I can't even identify what it is. I always have a sense of foreboding that I have to figure things out or else I…" He sobbed silently. "or else I mi- might lose y-you." His ragged breathing filled the air. But I didn't provide him with the respite he wanted. I have nothing left to give him anymore. I closed my eyes and before I drifted away in tired slumber, I could faintly hear Misa's voice. _What is it you want, Kaoru?_

In my literature class the next day, the instructions given were simple: write whatever comes to mind first. The blank sheet in front of me looked too pure to defile with my messed up thoughts and feelings. I let my pen move across the sheet as words were formed and finally, in my hand was undeniable proof of my sick mind and misplaced passions; here was a glimpse into the mind of an immoral twin.

_- But… -_

_By: Hitachiin Kaoru_

_It's an endless struggle_

_Seeing you_

_If only you knew…_

_But then,_

_Its best you don't._

_It's a losing struggle_

_Feigning indifference_

_Suppressing my emotions_

_I wish I could tell you._

_But you see,_

_If you ever knew,_

_I could lose you._

I saw Haruhi try to peek at Hikaru's work. He blushed furiously and I decided I would not want to read what he was writing. I submitted my work and left unseen from the room.

At the host club, Misa booked me again for the entire afternoon. I know better now than to thank her. I was sure; _she has her own selfish reasons._ We were at the secluded bench again, seated peacefully, enjoying the silence when she asked me: "Do you want to know how my sister died?" I looked at her, caught unaware by the sudden question. "If you want to tell me…." I let the sentence's implied meaning hang in the air. She smirked. "Of course, I want to tell you! There is a reason and that reason is…."

"Selfish" We finished at the same time. "You know me so well." She teased. She turned me sideways so that we were now seated facing each other. She touched her finger to my lips and I understood. I was simply to listen.

"Misa and Mika" She began. "They were actually much like you and Hikaru-san. Not a single soul could tell them apart. But while you wanted to be distinguished as separate persons, they had no such desires. They reveled in their sameness. Misa was Mika and Mika was Misa. They liked and hated the same things. They never knew envy. They had no need to covet what was the other's; everything was simply shared. Wants are voiced out; permission to borrow granted easily. Nothing was sacred." She smiled harshly and her voice took on a neutral, unfeeling tone. "Then they began to date. One twin's very smart, very handsome boyfriend was the president of the student council. The other twin's boyfriend was just as smart and just as good-looking but he prefers to break rules. But the twin with the rule-making boy wanted a little excitement. Snap, snap, and they switch guys. They did it all the time. Who would know but the two of them? Thus was the situation when the rule-breaking boy decided that a storm and treacherous slippery roads were the ideal set-up for a drive up a mountain. You could imagine for yourself what happened and what resulted from that." She shrugged and inhaled shakily. I remembered to breathe then. We were silent afterwards.

"Can I do anything for you, Misa-chan?" I inquired lowly. "Why do you ask?" she tilted her head. "Um… it's because I feel guilty that you have helped me so much. I'd feel better if I could do something, anything, for you." She accepted this answer.

"You know" she said, "I was never able to mourn for my sister properly." _Do whatever you want Kaoru-kun. Do what feels right. _Her eyes told me. I pulled her into my arms, onto my lap wanting to comfort her. There were no tears falling from her eyes but I knew she was crying. I wondered if I would reach a point where I, too, will no longer be able to shed tears for Hikaru.

The warmth on my lap made me acutely aware how I was starving for affection, for any indication of closeness. _But not from this girl! I actually cared about her enough not to use her in such a way._ Ever-perceptive, she looked up at me. I rubbed her arms, wanting to stop her shivering. My eyes glanced down at her lips, rosy, bruised; she was biting them to keep the sobbing from escaping her lips. I unconsciously rubbed my thumb across the swollen flesh. Indecision made me gallant. She crossed the slight distance for me, telling me it was all right. My hands tightened on her arms as I crushed my lips more against hers. It was a chaste kiss, neither of us moving; her hands remained on her lap. I savored the feeling of someone being there for me. I greedily took from the small comfort this girl offered me. All of a sudden, she was pulled from my embrace and I heard a strangled cry.

Hikaru pushed her away from me and I saw his eyes brimming with unshed tears. "What the hell are you doing to my – my brother? Who do you think you are?!" he cried irrationally at Misa, who hasn't still recovered enough from her earlier grief to form a sarcastic comment. I was still flabbergasted, sitting dazedly on the bench. He pointed an condemning finger at her in crazed fury. "You slut! Whore! Bit-…" Before I could stand up and defend the girl, a resounding slap echoed through the garden. Misa was perfectly capable of defending herself.

"Oi, Hikaru! What do you think you're doing?!" I was thoroughly incensed. I grabbed his arm, wanting to shake some sense into him; punching him senseless was also a very tempting idea right now. My twin turned accusing eyes at me, the tears now flowing freely. "LIAR!" he spat out. He jerked his arm from my grip and I recoiled at the pain and the turmoil I saw in his eyes. I could recall indistinctly how I looked exactly like that as I awakened to a nightmare, feverish and full of jealousy, one month ago. He ran away, blindly, furiously rubbing at his eyes.

I didn't realize I had a hand outstretched in the direction Hikaru ran until Misa gently touched my arm. "Go after him." She urged me softly. "But…!" I protested.

She shook her head at me. "Hikaru-san is right. You are a liar, Kaoru! You're so good at deception that you had already convinced yourself to believe in the lies you have fabricated."

Crestfallen, I watched her pick something up from the ground. She pressed it into my hand and folded my fingers around it. "He dropped this during his tirade. Won't you look at it?" She compelled me to follow her command with her violet gaze.

In my hand was a piece of paper, dog-eared from repetitive handling. I opened it gingerly. At first glance, I saw it was from our literature seatwork that morning. _How could it be so tattered if it was just written this morning?_ I skimmed down the page. The first few lines were like a stab to my heart. But as I glanced further down, I was captivated and I had to sit back down on the bench as I reread the composition in Hikaru's writing.

_- Complete -_

_By: Hitachiin Hikaru_

_I used to feel that my life was empty;_

_It now overflows with all things happy._

_I used to see my life through white and black;_

_Then you came and brought all the colors back._

_I used to think I wanted to cease existing;_

_But you gave me a reason to continue living_

_I used to believe I already knew everything_

_Then one kiss from you left me wanting._

_Because where once I was simply "Hikaru"_

_Now my life would only be complete_

_With you, my heart – my "Kaoru"_

I echoed Hikaru's strangled cry from earlier. It came from deep in my chest. And I was unable to breathe from the tightness. I doubled over as the pain overwhelmed me.

"Kaoru… look at the paper. This was opened and folded again and again numerously today. I know you noticed that already. Kaoru, hurry!" She was pulling me to my feet.

"Kaoru!" I looked at her with wild eyes. "What do you want? What is it you want most in this world?" She clasped my hand with her own, squeezing tightly.

"Hi- Hika- I want Hikaru!" I sobbed desperately. Then after stumbling through the weeks of confusion, half-blind – everything finally became clear. I could finally make sense out of everything; there is a rhyme and there is a reason." I began to run away but I was still holding on to Misa's hand. As she let go of my hand, flashbacks of all our conversations raced through my lucid brain. I was filled with a realization so fantastic. Was it even possible?

"Mika-chan?" I asked tentatively. Her answering smile touched my heart. But before I could say anything else, she gave me a not so gentle shove and I found myself running.

_Hikaru!_ My mind shouted! _Hikaru!_

I could feel the first seeds of hope bloom within me.

* * *

**AUTHOR'S DRIVEL: **

Usotsuki ~ Liar

Wheee, so there you have it ^,^ My gawd, I can't wait to start the next chapter. I wish there would be more reviews for "Kagami" *ahem-cough-ahem* (points to "review this chapter/story button") *ahem*

I told you Misa – errr – Mika is a twisted girl. =D I was actually shocked by how twisted she turned out to be! Me likee twisted people ^,^ Did you like her?

BTW, the two poems ("But…" and "Complete") are penned by yours truly.

^,^ Please let me know what you thought and felt while reading this chapter. Make my day with a review ^_^ Inspire me!


	5. Hikari

**DISCLAIMER: **OHSHC is not mine. I just wish it were. *grins* I am merely using the characters to play out my sick fantasies. =D

MAENO MIKA is a fabrication of yours truly. Any relevance to actual persons, living or not, is purely coincidental. : )

A/N: I JUST FEEL that this chapter will be short. But it will serve its purpose : ) and I hope no one gets disappointed, including me. In the meanwhile, plot for the next chapter is in progress!

* * *

**CHAPTER 4**

**Hikari**

I was running erratically, through the brightly lit halls with no concrete idea of where I am headed. Hikaru's face was imprinted in my mind: his tears running unashamedly; his anguished expression. I couldn't comprehend how things came to be this complicated. I merely wished for him to be happy. I didn't mean for my actions and decisions to cause such pain for Hikaru. My head ached.

I found myself in front of the third music room. I took deep breaths, willing myself to calm down. I can feel my other half's presence just beyond the door. I do not know what state of mind he is in; but I want to be calm when we faced each other. I want to be able to talk to him, to explain everything, to make him understand, to make him see. Hikaru's penned words still resonated deep in my heart, touching me as nothing else ever would.

But as I consciously willed myself to relax, I suddenly became weary. The adrenaline that rushed through me in impatient waves, propelling me to chase after Hikaru was now fading, leaving in its wake a deadening sensation in my limbs and allowing exhaustion to pervade my mind. Reason was also returning to me. I thought back on the past month: on Hikaru's previous confession of his feelings and my recent acknowledgement of my truest desires.

I am no longer sure that this is the right thing to do. After all, this conviction that I felt stemmed from a simple poem written for academic purposes. Could I have been reading into something that wasn't there? I might have interpreted it all wrongly. I heard Hikaru admitting to me that he was in love with Haruhi. He didn't take that confession lightly and neither did I. I kept Hikaru's poem in my chest pocket, keeping it near my heart. I hope it would give me the strength to finish what I started. Before I gave up and ran away, before what courage remained deserted me, I opened the door.

Inside, everything was normal, like any other day. Everyone else was going about their business, cleaning up after club activities. I saw Hikaru cast a sideways glance at me, his expression calm and nothing out of the ordinary. This surprised me: I was actually not expecting rationality coming from him right now. His gaze became half-lidded and something reflected in his eye momentarily before he turned and sauntered off to Haruhi.

I watched him unfalteringly, frozen where I stood in the middle of the room. He sat beside her and draped an arm casually around her waist. He leaned his head against her shoulder as another arm lovingly wound around her, his hands clasped together holding her in an obvious tender embrace. All the while, he kept him eyes on mine, carefully watching me, gauging how I would react. Out of the corner of my eye, I observed with undisguised shock as Haruhi smiled at him, accepting his affectionate touch willingly. And still Hikaru looked at me.

Suddenly, I heard commotion erupting around me but I didn't care anymore. I think some were shouting and I even heard someone call out my name. I didn't bother to look. My gaze was on Hikaru's and I watched curiously as his eyes widened with astonishment and maybe I even saw something akin to terror in his face. I apathetically watched him disentangle his arms around Haruhi as he rose from the loveseat. Even Haruhi was standing up, alarm on her face. It was when Hikaru exclaimed my name that I was made aware of the incessant rush of hot tears running down my cheeks and then, I was unable to dissuade the heart-wrenching pain from being reflected in my face.

I realized now why the others were alarmed and were calling my name. I willed my body to move. I turned around sharply and there, in the doorway, stood my lifeline. Her appalled expression was a copy of everyone else's. Her perceptive mind quickly deducted that everything went horribly wrong.

Sadly, I could no longer seek comfort in her. If Hikaru did not want that, I would willingly separate myself from the one thing that sought to help me. I stood next to her, each of us facing opposite directions. I held her shoulder with a firm and almost painful grip that elicited a gasp from her. Then I let go and ambled brokenly away. _Please,_ I begged her; _I need to be alone right now. Please. _I couldn't even find the ability to run away. But I would crawl if I had to. I would do anything to get away from this.

I think Hikaru tried to run after me but my champion effectively blocked the doorway, allowing me the precious minutes I needed to escape. I heard another resounding slap and the word 'Idiot!' screeched feelingly.

Whereas minutes ago, I was blinded by the hope that everything would be alright at last, I am now left adrift in darkness. I don't think I'll ever see the light again. Hikaru represented all things that were good in my life. He was radiance and I fought so desperately to preserve what he meant to me. I didn't want to sully him and include him in my dark passions and desires. Right now, I want to be lost and never be found again.

* * *

**A/N:**

**Hikari ~ light/ray/brilliance (noun)**

OMGaawwd, I actually made myself cry writing this. D': is that even possible? I was considering ending this already -- but a reader suggested MORE drama and even gave a scenario I could work with. (who am I to resist?) I did manipulate her suggestion, turning a "Kaoru-misinterprets-Haruhi-comforting-Hikaru scene" into a "Hikaru-uses-Haruhi-to-make-Kaoru-jealous-because-Hikaru's-WAY-jealous-of-Mika" scene. (Kudos to **KUMIRU-SAN** for this idea; you are heaven sent, my dear!) After all, before her suggestion, all I had to work with was Kaoru's uncertainty on how to approach Hikaru. Oh, Kumiru-san you are love! :))

I tried to place myself in Hikaru's shoes to come up with this Get-Back-at-Kaoru thingy. I'm so sorry if everything revolves mostly around Kaoru. But you could see hints of the evolution of Hikaru's character through Kaoru's observations and in their conversations.

BTW, Thanks thanks thanks thanks to everyone who added this story to their favorites or are following it through. This chapter is for all of you ^^

**P.S.** Do you wanna read about yummy twin smut somewhere in the development of the story?

**P.P.S**. _random information:_ Hikaru actually means "to shine, to glitter/ to stand out" (verb) and is based on the kanji of Hikari. I thought the latter was the perfect title for this chapter. ^^

Review please =)) inspire me more! *wiggle eyebrows* Thanks in advance!


	6. Atashi wa Nani ga Hoshii Shiranai

**DISCLAIMER: **I don't own. I would trade my soul if it meant owning. :D

* * *

**CHAPTER 6**

**Atashi wa Nani ga Hoshii Shiranai**

_I stare at the clear black night,_

_As darkness envelopes me_

_I remain numb as a soft breeze blows_

_Not really feeling, not really caring._

_I gaze at the star-dotted sky_

_Trying to capture the tranquility it used to give me._

_Specks of light emitting a sense of serenity;_

_Peacefulness so near and yet so out of reach._

_In the light of the moon I try to find solace_

_Yet dark clouds threaten to take that light away_

_In despair I turn to my own embrace,_

_And wait for a falling star._

_I hope one would fall for me today._

I gazed around at my surroundings trying to figure out where I am. I'm not sure how much time has passed since I walked out on the host club. Time seems to have reached a standstill for me. Tears were still streaming down my face unabashedly. I don't think I'll ever stop crying again. This feeling – I had no name for it anymore – is slowly draining the life out of me. Pain and suffering are paltry emotions in contrast to this – this agony, desperation, and wretchedness eating at my being. I yearn to go back to that particular point in time right before my world ended around me. If I could, I wouldn't go after Hikaru. I'd simply let him be. It would have been the best choice. Admitting my true feelings for him, acknowledging my unacceptable love for him, allowing my deepest desire to reach the surface – it is simply the biggest mistake I had ever made. Doing so was like thrusting a blade deep into my own heart. And it caused a double-edged pain. On one hand, there was the possibility that he reciprocated my feelings. The love poem attested to that. But I know that I could – should never allow those emotions to linger on. That was painful in itself. But the knowledge that he purposefully hurt me – out of spite. It is more than I can bear. I would have preferred to go on lying to myself than having this.

Fresh bout of tears stung my eyes and I let them gush uncaringly. I huddled against myself, crying pitifully. I hated myself for being this way. But I can no longer comprehend what I should do. My breaths came in loud pants and strangled gasps; my hands fisted tightly against my own arms. In this one-man embrace, I dully wondered when I would stop crying. I was suddenly feeling very dizzy; I have been for a while now. But I am powerless to stop the nausea as well as my pathetic weeping. I could feel tingling in my extremities as my breaths came in quick, burning succession. I got up with what strength I could muster, wanting to work out the numbness in my feet that was slowly creeping up my fingers as well. My lungs heaved with the exertion of walking. Then, all that I knew was the screeching of tires followed by a dull thud and then, blackness obscured my eyesight and a welcoming peace settled over and within me.

The bright glare of lights blinded me momentarily. I tried to glance around my surroundings to decipher where I am, unsuccessfully. I groaned at the unexpected pain the simple movement caused. I stiffened up in realization. Someone was holding my hand. And I didn't have to look to know with a certainty who it was. He was bent over the bed, his head resting on his free arm. He stirred and I clamped my eyes shut, willing my breathing to go slowly and deeply in simulated sleep. I heard him choke out loud as I felt his hand caress my cheeks and brush through my hair. His touch was tender, loving. It took all my willpower to stop from leaning into his touch. _What madness is this? Have I died? Or was I dreaming, still?_ His lips grazed my closed eyes and I couldn't prevent the small sigh from escaping my lips. "Kaoru?" he quietly queried. I was almost afraid to answer. I opted for unresponsiveness. _Coward_, I mocked myself.

Awareness was finally returning to me completely. I was made conscious of so much physical pain. Soreness was rampant all throughout my body. I was also nauseous; I could taste bile in my mouth. I couldn't endure it much longer... I gasped out loudly as my eyes opened. Hikaru was suddenly leaning over me. "Kaoru, what is it? Are you alright?"

"In – pain." It was all that I could whimper. He left me hurriedly to call for the nurse. _Hikaru, why are you here? Why are you tormenting me? Are you intentionally becoming cruel --again?_ He returned soon enough with the nurse in tow, spurring her to quickly provide me with analgesia. I was grateful to the morphine's sedating effects, blocking out all the pain – physical or otherwise. I didn't fight the effects of the narcotic. I perversely welcomed it. _I really am a coward. _My eyes closed willingly hoping for the emptiness of sleep.

My dreams were unexpectedly… indescribable. Hikaru was making love to me and my senses sang. I felt the very essence of Hikaru wrapped around me lovingly, filling my. I could feel him, taste him, and smell him everywhere. His lips and hands left a trail of heat and desire wherever they touched. The pleasure was intense and still, it was unsatisfactory. Oh god, I wanted more…

I woke up with a gasp to an atmosphere was brimming with tension. Momentarily befuddled, I tried to search for the cause. Hikaru was at my side, still holding my hand, watching me with a mixture of worry and irritation. Before I could wonder, I saw the reason for his annoyance. Next to him was Mika, an impish grin on her face. I think she was blatantly amused by Hikaru's stiff posture and taut expression. She certainly wasn't trying to hide it. Kyouya was the only other person in the room. There was a small smirk lingering on his lips. I tried to compose myself, hoping desperately no one had guessed the reason for the blood pooling in my cheeks.

"What happened?" I croaked out, hoping to distract them. Mika answered my question cheerfully. "Oh, it's nothing much, Kaoru-kun." Hikaru became even more rigid upon hearing that, if that were possible. "When you left, we couldn't find you anywhere and --"

'Yes!" Hikaru bit out, tossing the girl a malevolent glance. "If this foolish girl didn't stop me from following you, there would've been no need to look for you." He looked back at me, sensing that something was amiss.

Mika pretended to be insulted by his statement. She gave him a meaningful look and innocently said, "Oh, I'm sorry. Was _I_ the reason Kaoru-kun walked out in the first place?" Hikaru was unable to come up with an adequate retort and he fumed silently.

I was diverted from my discomfort by their banter. Kyouya seemed to be amused at them, although he seemed to be plotting or contemplating something. I shudder mentally. I have no desire to know.

'Anyways," she continued and flashed me a bright smile. "You were gone overnight. It seemed you became dehydrated from sodium loss and you actually walked in front of a car." She gave me a pointed look of disbelief that clearly told me how foolish she thought that was. "Although it isn't completely MY fault, I still apologize... I did think you were going somewhere… else. I misjudged the situation and your feelings. Sorry." She inhaled deeply.

"Well, at least the accident helped us find you." She added gaily. "WHAT. Is. Your. Problem?! Why are you so happy about all this?" Hikaru shouted at her. "I am not the one with a problem." She looked at him pointedly. She smiled at me.

"When, you were found, you were suffering from dehydration and very low levels of carbon dioxide in your body. Hyperventilation syndrome." She explained.

"Kaoru doesn't hyperventilate." Hikaru mumbled. "Mmm" she agreed, "But," she said scathingly "I think he was crying hard enough and long enough to produce the same effect….which lead to the dehydration… and the accident." An awkward silence followed her remark.

Kyouya stepped closer to the bed. "It's been almost two days. Your blood gases are now normal and your dehydration has been corrected already." He gestured towards the IV line running down to my arm.

"Although you'll be one big bruise for a few more days. No broken bones, though." Mika said this as she stood up and skipped to Kyouya's side, clutching his arm. I frowned. "What-?" I began to ask. "He's my cousin." Mika answered, laughing at the expression of horror on my face.

"Tamaki and the others send their wishes for your quick recovery." Kyouya stepped out of the room. Mika just blew me a kiss and winked at Hikaru before she left the room and closed the door with a final thud. _Did I just see Hikaru blush?_

Silence saturated the room. Hikaru played with the edges of the bed covers and I turned my back to him, unable to face him. I heard him call my name. "I just want to be alone right now, Hikaru." I mumbled in reply. I was very much surprised when he climbed into the bed beside me, pulled me into his arms and turned me around to face him. "No." was his adamant reply. "No, Kaoru. I won't let go of you anymore. I learned my lesson. You can't push me away and I won't let you run away from me anymore." My lower lip quivered and I just knew I would start crying again. _Pathetic._ I tried to push away but he held a death grip on me.

"Just tell me what you want me to do, Kaoru. Onegai." [Please] I turned my head away from him and refused to look at him. I remembered too clearly what happened last time I allowed myself to hope of a possibility between us.

He kissed and sipped away at the tears running down my face before he completely claimed my mouth. He rebuffed all my attempts to get away from him. In no time at all, my resistance crumbled completely. I was losing myself into his kiss, into Hikaru. My subconscious was screaming at me but I was unable to stop.

He didn't start gently at all. He realized I would be able to reason with myself if he did. His tongue plundered my mouth while his hands splayed tightly against my back. I dimly remembered my body hurt all over but that thought was overridden by the taste of Hikaru in my mouth, his tongue coaxing mine to respond. One of his hands moved up to take fistfuls of my hair as he groaned into my mouth. I was drowning in Hikaru's warmth. It wasn't enough.

My hand crept up his chest to tangle at the hair in his nape. He gave an "Mmmm" of pleasure. I was strangely pleased by this. "Kaoru", he whispered. His kiss began to gentle as soon as he was sure I would not be pulling away soon. His lips grazed lightly against mine again and again, making us aware of the subtle difference in texture. He parted my lips and I could only sigh in response. His tender ministrations were making my head spin wonderfully.

From somewhere in the background, I could hear his mobile ringing incessantly. I tore my mouth apart from his. "Ke – Keitai da!" I gasped [The phone!] He proceeded to ignore the sound as he sought to claim my mouth once more. "Yamero yo!" I protested vehemently. [Stop ~ masculine form]

He pushed away from me, grabbed the phone and stalked to a corner, obviously disgruntled. I crouched against the covers, shuddering uncontrollably. I listlessly noted that it was our mother calling for updates on my condition. I shook my head when he offered me the phone. _Why am I so weak when it comes to Hikaru? Haven't I learned my lesson yet? _I refused to acknowledge the question my mind threw back at me: _Why are you fighting it so hard? Aren't your reactions telling you something?_

When he returned to the bed, he tried to lie beside me again and take me in his arms but I wouldn't budge. He sat beside me and said in a low, sad voice. "I'm so sorry, Kaoru, for forcing you like that. And I'm sorry for lying to you. I know now what my true feelings are. I'll make it up to you somehow…" My heart clenched in response. "I'll get out of your way, if that's what you want." He made a move to stand and leave. My head shook involuntarily in protest. Before I knew it, my hand snaked out to grab his arm. A slight pause followed. "What do you want then, Kaoru?" He demanded of me, tears in his eyes.

"I… I don't know, anymore" was all that I could answer, my expression reflecting his.

* * *

A/N:

**Atashi wa Nani ga Hoshii Shiranai ~ I Have no Idea What I Want**

*sob* I know this is simply AWFUL. I cringe in distaste every time I reread this chapter. Please tell me what I'm doing wrong.

I'll update this in two days. I just remembered I have "cram school" tomorrow D':

_Note: _

Usual causes of dehydration: excessive vomiting, diarrhea, and sweating. I had to stretch it a bit for "crying."

People do faint from hyperventilation. Initial symptoms are tingling in upper and lower extremities, fainting may soon follow if not corrected.


	7. Tenki

**DISCLAIMER:** I don't own. I never will. I never would. **sulks**

* * *

**CHAPTER 7**

**Tenki**

**  
**I believe the more you love a man,  
The more you give your trust, the more you're bound to lose,  
Although, when shadows fall,  
I think if only somebody splendid really needed me,  
Someone affectionate and dear,  
Cares would be ended if I knew that he  
Wanted to have me near...  
~Noel Coward, "If Love Were All"

"What do you want then, Kaoru?!" Hikaru asked. I honestly wish I myself knew the answer to that. My conflicting emotions waged war within. I felt like I don't know myself anymore. Against my instincts, I let go of his hand, letting my own drop heavily on the bed. My hand felt curiously light yet achingly empty.

"Kaoru," Hikaru's voice pleaded. I was almost swayed by the anguish on his face. I held firm onto the bed covers hoping desperately not to be dissuaded. His form awash with rejection, Hikaru left the room quietly. The emptiness suffusing the room was nothing in contrast to the one smothering my heart.

With Hikaru gone, I felt completely bereft. But also, it hurt so much to have him near. I squeezed my eyes, wishing that there was a way out of this. My lips tingled with the memory of his forceful and heated kisses as well as the gentle meeting of our mouths. Could I handle that – accepting Hikaru's physical affections but knowing that someone else is in his heart? It pains me to know that with a little more convincing, I would very much agree to it. Never mind that we're family – brothers – twins even. It sounds almost trite. I'm really a weak person when it comes to Hikaru. He can easily drain all reason and willpower from me. But I knew it isn't right to feel this all-consuming emotion for your twin. Maybe even if it were for someone else, this feeling would still be one-of-a-kind. It was like I was at the edge of a cliff and I knew there was no other choice but to plummet into the unknown. I laugh bitterly. That idea is revolting in its banality.

When Hikaru came back a few hours later, we said nothing to each other. He had the nurse with him and as she removed the intravenous line, she explained that I was ready for discharge but I was to have absolute bed rest for a few more days. She instructed Hikaru on the medications I was to take home before she left. Hikaru brought forward a bag containing clothes for me. I protested vehemently when he undid the ties at my back, unfastening the hospital gown, I felt terribly vulnerable. I hated it.

To my dismay, I found I had a hard time just sitting up in bed. I was mortified when Hikaru slid the gown down my arms. Only the blanket around my waist covered me now. I was blushing furiously. "Shhh," he whispered. "Let me make it up to you, Kaoru." I was shocked into speechlessness and compliance.

He helped me into the blue polo shirt and did the buttons. He positioned me at the side of the bed and handed me a pair of boxers, his eyes questioning. I quickly grabbed the item from his hand and slid the garment up my legs. He turned his back, allowing me some semblance of privacy before I stood up shakingly to secure the article around my waist. I almost fell forward if he hadn't reacted fast enough to catch me. He was frowning as he knelt before me, sliding a leg then another into a pair of jeans. Decently clothed, he sat beside me and took my hands in his. "Please, Kaoru, for the time being, don't refuse my help. Please." I nodded a little realizing that much as I disliked it, I have no other choice. I will just have to get well soon.

I was now facing a dilemma. I knew I didn't have enough strength to make it to the car by my own. Nor did I want to be carried by Hikaru downstairs. It will be too much to handle. He stalked out the room, demanding for the nurse. He came back with a wheelchair, grinning apologetically. The nurse helped me into the wheelchair and was about to wheel me out the room before Hikaru stopped her. "I want to do this." He put the bag on my lap and went out the door. I wasn't sure where he was headed. Didn't he just say he'll take me downstairs?

He returned with an absurdly large stuffed orange cat with a blue bow tied around its neck. He placed in on my lap. His face was flushed as he explained. "I remembered you when I saw it… so I bought it, three nights ago." His gaze was averted and I was sure I was also blushing. Three nights ago was when I walked out on the host club. I bit my lip as I stared into the feline eyes. Oddly enough, the stare meeting mine did make me think of Hikaru's own. "Thank you." I mumbled softly.

I hugged the cat on my lap and buried my face in the soft fleece. It smelled like Hikaru. He must've slept beside it when he was alone in our room. I gulped at the implications of such actions but I didn't want to think right now. Hikaru started pushing the wheelchair down the hall. He turned me around when we reached the ramp and I saw he had a hard time counterbalancing the pull of gravity. We reached our limo soon enough and I was helped into the awaiting vehicle. He got in beside me. We were silent on the ride home. I pinched and poked at the stuffed cat. It was actually very adorable with its large amber eyes and devilish grin. I wanted to hug it tightly but I knew Hikaru was looking at me from time to time so I had to content myself with exploring the softness of its fluff. I encountered something hard but I was sure that my brother was looking at me at that moment, a bit expectantly even, so I purposefully ignored it and settled for playing with the cat's ear.

Once home, I didn't have a chance to complain as Hikaru offered his back to me for a piggy-back ride. I did prefer that to being carried in his arms but I also didn't want to hand the plush toy to one of the maids waiting nearby. "I can handle both of you and Mikan." He smiled. "Mikan?" I inquired. "Ah, sorry, I sort of temporarily named it." I climbed up his back with Mikan squished between us. "I like that name", I commented casually." He laughed a little as he brought me up the stairs, into the room and onto the bed. "I – ah, I have to be somewhere else right now", he explained. I nodded absentmindedly as I lay down on the bed. I closed my eyes and soon after he left the room quietly.

Sure that he was gone, I grabbed the cat, now officially named Mikan*, from Hikaru's side of the bed and hunted for that solid object I encountered earlier. Finding it, I crowed with glee as I pulled it out of a hidden pocket. It was curiously a necklace with a flat pendant. I held the pendant up to the light and I could see faint engravings, artfully placed. I squinted and I saw that it contained our names: Hikaru's and mine written in kana, only the kana of my name was written backwards.** _That was odd – couldn't he have used the kanji?_ I examined it further and I realized that Hikaru's last kana and mine were one and the same. There was an outline of a heart around the edges, faint and barely discernible. _What does this mean?_ I contemplated as I wore the necklace around my neck. I snuggled into Mikan, letting Hikaru's scent lull me to sleep. Without knowing it, I let Hikaru in again, allowing myself to be vulnerable once more. I knew I would regret this soon. _Maybe he's just feeling guilty,_ I surmised. I slept peacefully.

I half-awoke when Hikaru walked back into the room but I didn't stir. He sat beside me and brushed the hair from my face. I must've convinced him that I was asleep. His next actions convinced me of that. He gently touched the pendant hanging from my neck and I heard him laugh softly. "I'm so sorry for using Haruhi to make you jealous. I love you, Kaoru." He whispered above me. I wasn't able to stop my eyes from opening from the shock. His stunned expression was an exact replica of mine. He muttered a hasty "Sorry!" as he ran from the room. It was a good thing I was unable to walk yet. I found myself confounded by a rush of emotions, all of them contradictory, as I sought sleep once more. I was unable to hide the little smile from escaping my lips.

* * *

A/N:

**Tenki ~ Turning Point**

Well, that was mushy. Pardon the mushy, mawkish, maudlin plot. Let me explain: I was soooo depressed after writing the first six chapters of Kagami. It was a good thing I was taught how to perform self-awareness in my psychiatric rotation; else I would've regressed by now. Don't worry. Drama ain't over.

*My friend commented on this name and asked me if it is in any way related to Mika. Of course not! Guhahaha. Mikan is actually Japanese for tangerine. Mikan is a much better name than say – Orenji. (Orange)

**please imagine this, substitute the syllables for the corresponding hiragana kana (Japanese syllables) – also please imagine Kaoru's kana as inverted – backwards!!

Hi – ka – uR – o – aK

Something like that but with the hiragana ^_^ this is actually curious since normally, kanji (those oh-so-complicated Chinese characters) is used to write names.

_Random information warning!_ Children (who have a difficult time writing kanji) would say something like this when introducing themselves: (assuming I'm Hikaru) "I write my name with the kanji of "Light") ^~^ and interestingly, "Hikari" does indeed look like a light bulb or something emitting light. xP

I thank you in advance for the review i know you're gonna give this chapter ^_^


	8. Kare no Mono ni Naru

**DISCLAIMER: ** How many times do I have to remind myself that I don't own the Hitachiin twins? -slits wrist- ~Kidding!^~^ If I owned them I wouldn't be writing this fanfiction now. I would be – err – occupied somewhere else ='D

* * *

**CHAPTER 8**

**Kare no Mono ni Naru**

I felt something cool and damp brush against my face repeatedly. I swatted at it in irritation wishing it would just leave me alone and let me sleep. But the darn thing was persistent like hell. I was finally forced to open my eyes to glare at whatever it was. I was not expecting Hikaru to be leaning closely over me, bathing me gently with a wet washcloth. Consciousness was slow to return to my sleep muddled brain. I was still lost in that semi-sleep state as Hikaru finished his gentle ministrations on my body. I couldn't help but moan slightly as I felt his touch on my hot flesh. _Hot?_

"Kaoru, you got a fever. I forgot to give you your medicine… because I left in such a hurry earlier." Hikaru apologized repeatedly as he tried to bring my fever down. I did feel warm but it was not uncomfortable and I liked the contrast of Hikaru's cool hands on my flushed skin. He brushed my hair from my face and I couldn't help but lean into his hand and kiss his palm. He withdrew his hand as if he had been burned. I met his wavering gaze steadily. He seemed to be bothered about something. He continued running the moist fabric up my arms.

I knew something was wrong with me. It was like I had lost control of my inhibitions. I could not exactly remember what triggered this. I was feeling reckless and I grabbed Hikaru's arm to stop what he was doing. He struggled to pull his wrist from me. I let him go. He got off the bed and I was afraid he would leave me then. Relief flooded through me when he returned after placing the cloth in a basin near the foot of the bed. He sat beside me, blatantly refusing to look at me. He stared instead at the opposite wall, his jaw clenching every now and then. I sat up in bed gingerly. "Hikaru…" I pleaded.

He looked at me then, his eyes reflecting an unknown emotion in the dim light of our room. I leaned my forehead on his shoulder, winding my arms around his waist. I whispered into his neck, knowing I have to say this now while the fever gave me an excuse to be rash. I dismissed rationality and caution from my consciousness.

"I – I love you, Hikaru. I have for a long time now. I have been acting cold toward you since you admitted to me that you loved Ha – her. You noticed didn't you? You asked me about it before. When – when you saw me with Misa… Mika… That was nothing. You were the only one I really wanted, and still do. When I ran after you... I – I was going to confess to you. That poem you wrote in our class… I found it. It gave me hope. That's why I walked out when – when I saw what I… did." I faltered at the end. His hand clenched on my shoulder but he said nothing. I felt him frowning at my lowered head. I took deep breaths of air, glad he was still listening to my ramblings.

I continued. I wanted it all in the open now, while I had this chance, this pretext of delusion. "But... But I - God, I just know I'll hate myself afterwards but please Hikaru… You enjoyed our kisses as well, didn't you? Hikaru…?" My voice broke on his name. I lay down on the bed, pulling him to me. There was still that unidentified emotion in his eyes. I'm not sure if it is disgust, indecision or some other feeling. _Please don't reject me…_

I found myself terrified of Hikaru's reaction to this. I didn't want to force my hand but something was obstinately nudging me forward. Here I am now, at my own metaphorical cliff, about to plunge into a terrifying chasm.

For a few moments, he remained frozen. For me, those seconds spanned painful lapses in time, warning me that this was where it all might end. I found myself wishing that should it be so, the conclusion to this would come swiftly. Then when he began to shift his immobile form, uncertainty clearly marked every move he made.

I only began to breathe again when he supported himself of his hands as he moved to lie on top of me. I met his gaze steadily, trying to convince him that I wanted this. He bent his head closer, his weight now supported by his forearms. I put my hands on his shoulder, gently kneading the tension from the muscles. This relaxed him a bit. He placed his palm against my cheek and explored my face gently with his fingers. I was now stroking his hair, running my digits through the disheveled strands.

I realized we were both getting used to the idea of what we were about to do, more so for him. I wanted to rush Hikaru earlier, to let him not think at all; but now, I could sense that he wanted to control the pace things went. I have absolutely no problem with that as long as he was here, with me. My chest tightened as I stared into his face, so identical to mine yet so different as well.

His thumb brushed repeatedly against my lip, parting them open. Then it slipped inside my mouth to tease my tongue. Unable to take it any longer, I raised my head for a kiss. I was only slightly surprised that our lips met eagerly, fusing together. I got drunk once again in Hikaru's heady taste. He nibbled gently on my lower lip as I mirrored the action on his. His tongue wetly rubbed against my own before exploring my mouth fully. It was a highly inexperienced kiss but that didn't subtract from its decadency. Hikaru's low growls of pleasure served to heighten mine further.

Sometimes, his mouth stole away to bite or suck at my ear but always he returned to kissing my mouth senseless. My fingers were frantically undoing the buttons of his pajama top. I ached to feel his skin against mine. He finally took notice of my attempts and he pulled off me to hurriedly strip off the offending garment. He bowed down to place love marks on my neck. Shivers were running up and down my spine. He bit my skin before stroking the reddened flesh with his lips and tongue, making me quiver with need. He moved lower to leave wet open mouthed kisses down my body. I could only moan and stutter in response, I may have gone beyond the point of coherence. His tongue dipped into my navel sending desire coursing through my veins. He paused for a lengthy moment before giving me another searing kiss as I clutched myself tightly against him. Moans and gasped echoed in the silence of the room.

I was feeling euphoric. I knew it was only partly due to the marvelous sensations from Hikaru. Somehow, I knew that there was no other place I'd rather be than right here and right now. I didn't know how long this spell will continue. Before it ended, I wanted to have my fill of him. I wanted to know more of him, in all the ways I've never known before this.

He lay on top of me again. I didn't mind his weight at all. His hand was running up and down my bare back while the other molded against my nape and crushed my lips to his. His touch left a trail of fire and desire wherever it landed. My hands could only roam all over his back and chest. Amidst the entanglement of limbs, it was inevitable that our hips soon collided against one another. I gasped as I felt his hardness brush against mine, causing a spark to shoot from my groin up my spine. He gritted his teeth as I repeated the action, wanting more of the dizzying pleasure it gave both of us. I opened my mouth to complain as he held my hips firmly, preventing me from moving more. But his insistent, frantic rocking against my pelvis made me groan and any further protests died on my lips.

Through the lust-filled blur I stared at Hikaru openly, his eyes fluttering open and closed, his lips parted allowing the whimpers to escape as his thrusts against my hips gained rhythm, his sighs echoing mine. His tousled hair covered part of his face but I could still see his sultry, half-lidded gaze, bright and feverish. A thin sheen of perspiration covered his slender body and I found myself wanting to sample his taste. Only my boxers and his thin pajamas separated our stiff arousals and I was both delighted and frustrated at the same time.

I felt like I was going half-mad with longing. This was different from anything I had expected. I actually thought this experience would simply allow me the opportunity to provide Hikaru with pleasure. I never expected that he would wish to give me this ecstasy I am feeling now. Impossibly, my heart filled to the point of overflowing with deep emotion for my twin.

I took him by surprise when I pushed him onto the bed rather forcefully. "Shhh... Let me." I whispered almost pleadingly, my voice thick with need. Hikaru simply nodded. I flushed heatedly as I contemplated what I was to do. I wanted badly to try what he hesitated to do a short while ago. But wanting to do it wasn't that simple, given the current situation. It was both our first time and I desperately needed assurance. I knew that I was not going to get it. There was no way he knew what I was feeling. I am sure that Hikaru has his own qualms and I do not want to add to them and make him regret – or worse- stop us from doing this.

I was about to start kissing his neck when he murmured my name tenderly, lovingly. It was a caress that weaved a gentle spell around my heart. He understood, I realized with undiluted happiness. This was his quiet way of reassuring me. I smiled shyly down at him as he caressed my cheek before I tilted my head forward and kissed him lightly on the lips, both of us smiling slightly.

His smile disappeared though when I started to suckle on his skin, replaced by a gasp of yearning. I delighted in sampling his unique taste. My fingertips skimmed teasingly up his arm, making goose bumps appear on his skin. As I moved lower to bite at his collar bone, my palms ran down his chest and they encountered his nipples, pert and hardened. He growled low in his throat as my tongue replaced my hands and his grip on my arms tightened almost painfully. I torment him further as my mouth roamed lower, stopping only at the waistband of his pajama bottoms.

His breath hitched as I hooked my thumbs on the band and looked up at him, quietly asking permission. He answered by pulling my boxers down past my legs. I still had it in me to blush at being exposed to his hot gaze. I gently pulled Hikaru's last article of clothing from his body. I resumed kissing the skin near his hipbones, nipping at the slight protrusion, causing him to jerk beneath me. I was still feeling reserved and I prayed for the daring I needed badly now.

I almost jumped off the bed when I felt his hand gingerly touch my length, curving warmly. "Hikah- hhah!" I could not even form his name as he started to stroke me gently. I could hear my heart pounding loudly in my ears. I was shaking uncontrollably from the sparks of pleasure his hand ignited within me. The feeling was so novel and I was immediately lost in the surge of rapture engulfing me. My loins felt so hot but I desired more, still. Unadulterated lust was flowing through my body. My senses sang. Through the lust clouding my vision, I saw his hand slowly lead mine to his own arousal, tentatively urging me on.

I wanted him to feel the same bursts of excitement his caresses ignited in me. I took him in my hand then and he half-moaned, half-shouted. "K – Kaoru!" I fell partially on top of him, my knees feeling weak, and our breaths mingled as we faced each other on the pillow, our hands moving in unison. I felt wetness coming from his arousal and his eyelids flickered close, his breathing heavy. I wanted him to feel more and I remembered my earlier intent. I stealthily crawled down his form and he gave me a confused look which I didn't answer. Maybe he had an inkling of what I was about to do because he sat up in bed, his palm resting against my cheek, not really stopping me but not urging me either.

I realized as I bent down to kiss the tip of his hardness that there is no turning back now. We are really here doing this. And as I acquainted myself with the taste of Hikaru, skimming kisses up and down his length, his fingers entangled in my hair, I felt nothing of the revulsion that I thought would come with performing this act. Instead, letting my feelings manifest in this way, physically, felt almost instinctive. Maybe it was because we had been closer than most people ever would be; that we were intimately attuned to each other, like we ran on our own frequency apart from everyone else in the world.

I started to suckle gently, unsure how much pressure to apply. His answering moans tell me that I must be doing something right and encouraged me further. He fell back on the bed as I continued my attentions to him. I was exhilarated by the sounds coming from his throat, perversely pleased knowing I caused it. It was a different kind of high that was somehow satisfying in itself. I wanted to hear more. I was not given the chance to.

Hikaru suddenly pulled me up at eye level to him. I looked at him, his slim form bathed in moonlight. He was sprawled wickedly on our bed, skin flushed deeply and breaths coming out in ragged pants. Just looking at him made my groin hurt. Did I look just as flustered as he did? Identical as we are, I could never look half as adorable as he did now even in the lusty state he was in.

He pushed me back against the covers to demand my mouth's attention once more. His flavor still lingered on my tongue and he was sure to taste it too. This thought brought on a fresh wave of wanting course through me. Hikaru was now thrusting against me again, whimpering heatedly against my neck. Unwittingly, I wrapped my arms around his chest and my legs about his hips. I was just aware of this need to be closer to him more, this irrational desire to blend into his being.

Too late, I realized how vulnerable my current position was. Hikaru was still keeping up with his rhythmic thrusts but I felt his heart skip a beat only to thrum faster against my chest as he looked at me questioningly. Obviously, the idea hasn't crossed his mind, at least not until now. I raised panicky eyes at him. How would I explain this to him – I wouldn't mind if he would want _that_. But I didn't want him to think as well that I was suggesting it as his gaze implied. I had absolutely no idea how to answer his inquiry. Cowardly, I began to lower my legs, sliding them down his frame, trembling slightly at the pleasure that action produced.

I think it is safe to assume we were both surprised when his hand grabbed hold of my thigh to prevent its further descent. Wide-eyed, he consciously let go of my thigh before clutching at the bed covers, trembling slightly. He could try to deny to himself what I knew he wanted. At least, I am now sure that I am not alone in this. He was blushing as he moved to get off me but I efficiently trapped him in my four-limbed stranglehold embrace. Before he could ask anything, I pulled him down for a kiss. I wish I didn't have to voice out loud my acquiescence to his silent query. He pulled away looking keenly at me. I bit my lip before smiling a little.

We were blushing like idiots now. If we have not shared a special closeness in the past, the ambiance around us would certainly be uncomfortable. "Kaoru," he crooned. I curiously watched him as he sucked his middle finger before offering it to me. I was lost in the trance of his eyes and did as he asked, playing with the digit in my mouth before he withdrew it with a sucking sound.

Then I felt his finger probing around my entrance before sliding into me, making me gasp and stiffen. He stiffened too, watching me with wide eyes. I shook my head at him. This wasn't painful… yet. The feeling wasn't unpleasant either, just foreign. I shifted slightly, trying to get used to the feeling of being invaded like this.

I was now lying on the bed, exposed. Hikaru was sitting between my thighs. I could see faint beads of perspiration fall down his chest as he slid his finger in and out of me, trying to help me get used to the sensation. Suddenly, my thighs locked together trapping Hikaru's hand. He almost pulled out but I sobbed his name incoherently, stopping him. "What?" he asked but he plunged in again, hitting something incredibly sensitive and I buckled under the pleasure I was experiencing. Blindly I held out my arms towards him, wanting to feel him close. He obliged and nuzzled my ear, whispering sweet words that heightened the sensations his magical touch caused.

Another finger joined the one inside me and I was on the brink of shouting out loud, not really sure if I haven't already. When Hikaru withdrew his hand, I felt extremely frustrated but I kept the whimpers in my throat. My heart leaped when he knelt in front of me and I was dubious as to what I should do. Hesitantly, I turned on my stomach and I heard him laugh.

"No, Kaoru... I want to look at you." His words sent a thrill up my spine. He flipped me over before kissing me sweetly on the lips, restoring my conviction that he wanted this and most importantly, he wanted me. He positioned, leaning over me. Before he even attempted penetration, he took one of my hands in his, entwining our fingers in an intimate clasp. Then holding my gaze with his own, he slid inside me.

I expected pain but this was beyond any imaginings I had. Tears came unbidden to my eyes and I felt like I was split in two. The pain was simply indescribable. I silently shook as I tried to focus on relaxing my external sphincter but it was so difficult when every cell in the lower half of my body screamed for relief from this agonizing pain, begging to be rid of the intruder. My hand clenched against Hikaru's tightly, desperately.

Above me, I became slightly aware of Hikaru's stiff form, his eyes closed – face taut with restraint, panting slightly. I breathed shallowly through my mouth, letting more of the pain ease and I was finally able to relax my sphincter. The pain was still horrible but not unbearably so as before.

Hikaru opened his eyes and frowned at the tears in my eyes. He kissed them before letting go of my hand to close around my now semi-erect member. I moaned as pleasure returned to me slowly with his languid caresses, making me want more. He continued stroking me until I was beginning to get desperate, the pleasure overriding any sense of pain. I wrapped my legs around his hips, drawing him further within me, making us both exclaim with amazement at the new feelings that thrust entailed.

Hikaru began to rock slowly inside me, observing me if I was in too much pain. How can he still think of me when he was surrounded by such tightness? Maybe something profound gave him the capability of control. It was a giddy feeling, knowing I stirred such feelings in Hikaru. It made me feel precious and dear to him, more than ever before.

I moved a little and Hikaru was finally able to bury himself fully within me, hitting that particular spot again. "More.. Please." I moaned, demanded, shouted. Hikaru obliged me, speeding up his thrusts, aiming for my prostate again and again. I could only try to keep up with him. His hand stroking me in time to his pumping intensified the pleasure tenfold.

The feeling of fullness – Hikaru's fullness inside me was unbearably appealing to my senses. I can't help but think that we belonged this way somehow, connected intimately. His rocking motions against me made me sob with wanton bliss, like I never wanted to let him go. All of my senses were sensitive now and I was assuaged by everything Hikaru. His scent, his taste, his being – all these things flooded into me, filling me. Greedy, it still wasn't enough and I sought to take more of him in me, impossibly – because we were now joined as intimately possible.

I wished to look at Hikaru but my eyelids fluttered closed of their own volition, making me more aware of the sensations this decadent act stirs inside me. I could feel our sweat mingling. I could hear his labored breathing and my strangled gasps. I could hear Hikaru's moans and shouts. I was dimly aware of my own vocal cries. I wanted to concentrate more on Hikaru. I willed my eyes to open and was greeted by the sight of Hikaru gazing at me lovingly while he entered inside me again and again. "Kaoru!" He gasped. I replied with my own fervent whisper of his name.

I could feel myself on the edge as I tried to hold on to him, clenching him tightly inside me as his movements became more and more frantic. I couldn't hold it in any longer and there was a loud roaring my ears as I finally let go and felt myself thrown over the summit. Inside me, I sensed Hikaru's pulsating release, his velvet voice yelling my name. Surely this was the epitome of happiness? Both of us drifted slowly back into reality, sated.

After a long while, he moved to pull away from me and I protested. He kissed my forehead and got up anyway, leaving me feeling bereft and lonely. He retrieved the washcloth he used previously to clean me up and I held out my hand to take it from him. He shook his head with a smile and embarrassingly, proceeded with his intent, cleansing my wonderfully abused body tenderly. I was too tired to argue, I simply hid my face in the pillows. When he returned after getting cleaned up himself, he was grinning like a fool and I was cringing like a guilty child. He bent over something and placed in on the nightstand my side of the bed. It was the stuffed cat, Mikan.

"Someone kicked him off the bed." He chortled. I turned my back to him, pulling the covers around me, wishing I could disappear somehow. He settled beside me and pulled me into his arms, dispelling all forms of self-consciousness and mortification from me. His whispered pledge against my lips mirrored the sentiments deep in me. "Only you… My Kaoru…"

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A/N:

**Kare no Mono ni Naru ~ Becoming His**

Pfffft! The whole time I was writing this, my heart was palpitating like crazy. Maybe I should've taken heart medicine or something. This chapter took so long to complete due to the innumerable pauses I took while writing this (because I squealed in excitement, stared blank-eyed at the screen lost in my imaginings, pulled my hair weeping with joy, or wringed my hands in happy frustration – every five words or so) ~blame the fangirl in me! Proofreading also turned out to be just as protracted and difficult. [I'm positive there are mistakes I have missed] =) Writing this – my first ever lemon (Kagami is my first fanfic) -- was honestly nerve-wracking. I don't think my system can handle it if I wrote another… ~ignoring plot forming in brain~ That said, I DEMAND that you review this. Pretty please? With cherries on it? Or twin smut on it? *smirk* =D

PS. God! I wish I were that stuffed cat, witnessing all that action... heavenly...

I'll still edit this over the next days to come. Honestly, my poor heart can't take anymore right now. I swear I'll get better at writing stuff like this, even if it kills me doing so. At least, I'll die happy. very happy.

**edit:** let me thank KAO-TAN for reminding me that YES, Kaoru was indeed wearing his necklace the entire duration of this chapter XD. i knew i forgot something... i was too distracted writing about the other stuff ^^;;

enough of my rambling. just hit that review button and drop me a line, a phrases, a word, a smiley, anything! to let me know what you think. that would mean so much to me.  
Constructive criticism is loved. (what is it about reviews that makes me want to type for hours on end?? =3=;; )


	9. Kimochi ga Sadamaranai

A/N: sorry this took forever to publish. and it isn't even halfway decent.

* * *

**CHAPTER 9**

**Kimochi ga Sadamaranai**

I seem to be doing a lot of pretending lately.

My prescribed bed rest won't be over for another couple of days and I am now forced to stay at home and in bed. I have long given up trying to convince my parents, the doctor and Hikaru especially that I felt well enough to go back to school. They are adamant in their stand that I should heal completely before I was to be allowed back into the world of reality.

The bruises that remained are now yellowish patches that would disappear soon. They hardly hurt at all. The boredom that I face my days with, on the other hand, is killing me. I am left all alone while Hikaru went to school. And really, without Hikaru around, there is hardly any fun at all.

In spite of my hatred of the tedium, I am somewhat relieved that I am given reprieve from coming back to school as well. And even though I very much want to be back at Hikaru's side, I still do not know how I can face the other hosts, our friends. And if I am honest enough, I'll admit, even if just to myself, that Haruhi is the one I am most scared of seeing.

Again, I hold no ill will toward our friend. But just the thought of being with her… and Hikaru… makes me uncomfortable – an understatement. Simply thinking about it makes my heart clench in a breathtaking way that make tears come to my eyes. How more so when I come face-to-face with her?

I ask myself if I can still approach her in the usual manner. I realize that I really have no choice in this, do I? I just have to become a better actor than I already was -- a better liar. Because for all that has happened between me and Hikaru, I still believe that I can never have my brother completely. It is something that I know from long ago which I also understand to be heartbreakingly true.

After all, no human being can own another, can they? But, I amend, Hikaru does own me -- ever since that night when he took everything that I gladly handed over to him.

I roll over to my side, my back facing the door. I count the passing hours avidly, eager to see Hikaru again. Since the eve of my homecoming, I really have nothing much to complain about in regards to this new side to our relationship. In a nutshell, I would say "perfect" aptly describes it. He is an attentive and tender lover, and a little cautious still. I think that even now, he is worried I might do something rash again in response to his actions.

I promise myself I would never do something like that again. I know better now than to give in to childishness for a second time. But, thinking about it, I smile ruefully now, amused at where my recklessness had led us.

Against my chest, I feel the insistent press of cold metal. I take it out, fingering the engravings lovingly. I never get tired of looking at it, nor of tracing our names connected disjointedly. Hikaru still refuses to explain to me the significance of it. I feel I have an idea but it is very vague. He insists he will tell me soon so I just drop the matter, saving it for later when my curiosity can no longer take it.

This pendant actually gives me comfort while waiting for time to pass me by. It makes me feel like a fragment of Hikaru lingers to accompany me while he is gone for the day. It makes missing him slightly bit more tolerable.

I let go of the much loved trinket and grope around in the dark room, my hands seeking out for Mikan. Its resemblance to us still draws a stunned feeling from me somehow. It adds on to the pendant's illusion that Hikaru's presence is still with me in part. These gifts from Hikaru are my most important material possessions.

Behind me, I hear the door close with a soft thud and the finality of the lock's ensuing click that followed.

I do not turn to face him. I stay as I am, Mikan still in my arms. I hear him shrug out of his jacket and remove his belt, the buckle clanking noisily against the floor. Before my thoughts could get carried away, I feel him lie beside me and enclose me in his arms.

I missed him so much that I was content to stay like this, for a while. His arms tighten around me and I felt his warm breath against my nape. I love moments like this when he would just hold me close. It is like everything is right in the world, in our world, at least.

But now, it irks me that the feeling of absolute rightness is somehow tainted. I suspect my earlier thoughts and fears have everything to do with it. I tense up involuntarily, remembering exactly where Hikaru had come from, before coming home to me.

He feels my form stiffen and he moves to disentangle my arms around the plush toy. He turns me then to face him, gazing deep into my eyes in an effort to see into my chaotic, jealousy-ridden mind.

After waiting for what seems like forever, now, I am finally able to see him again. It hurts a little – this feeling of being with him at last. It may sound overly dramatic but it is how I really feel.

I meet his amber gaze with my own and my hands reach up to cradle his face – as if trying to reassure myself that he really is here at last. His shirt is unbuttoned halfway and I allow my gaze to greedily skim over the exposed skin.

He draws my loose shirt over my arms and head and I am barely free of it when his mouth clamps down on the sensitive skin of my neck making sharp currents of electricity course through my thin frame. His open mouth runs down my body and I feel his teeth graze and scrape against my skin, nipping lightly and sometimes painfully in numerous random places as if to mark his territory.

More than I love our intimate cuddling, I love it best when Hikaru claims me this way. It feels to me like a reaffirmation of his words that most unforgettable night – when I became his. But now, I'm beginning to hate how he can do this to me. I am being swept away by the magic and rapture of his touch but I know that I need something infinitely more than this. I hate how I love these times of erotic bliss with him. And I love how I hate that he will always find a way through any barrier I create: be it in the simple form as my back turned away from him, or in the more difficult way as when I ran away from him.

But with all certainty, I am only sure of one thing – that I love Hikaru, and whatever that entails in this world.

No matter what I feel about everything else, I can never bring myself to hate that.

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A/N:

**Kimochi ga Sadamaranai ~ Conflicting Emotions**

"OTL  
EPIC FAIL TO NO END. X3  
I – maybe I'll add some lemony bits later because they were supposed to be somewhere in there. Or maybe not? Or maybe another chapter? What do you think???  
I'm s- so rattled I can't think straight right now.  
(Have friends breathing down neck telling me to hurry up ~ blame them)

Finally! Able to edit all the corrections!  
Reviews are much loved. Ideas are also very welcome.


	10. Shodaku no Kawari ni

**CHAPTER 10**

**Shodaku no Kawari ni **

I shift a little in bed, lazily opening an eye to look at the bedside clock and see that it is still five o'clock in the morning – a very ungodly hour to be up. I surprisingly note that Hikaru is wide awake. From the dim light of the lampshade, I can see Hikaru gazing at me intently, lovingly. I snuggle into his warmth as I try to recapture the sweet slumber I was in just a few moments ago. I was having a good dream…

I try to get closer to him, unmindful of the slight stickiness on my body – remnants of last night's sensualities. Afterwards, I was too tired to do anything but sleep immediately and Hikaru was the same as well. I do not mind at all. I find a secret delight in knowing that we can be comfortable in our own skin while in each other's presence. There really is nothing much to hide. Hikaru knows every inch of my body now more than I know myself. Of course, I also have a personal knowledge of Hikaru's body better than I do mine. Never mind how identical we are; it is a completely different thing to be familiar with Hikaru's body.

I feel him turn to his side to look at me. I twist my neck towards him, so he is able to see my face. I somehow feel it is what he wants me to do. His arms appreciatively twine around me and I can feel his soft breathing against my cheek. I breath in his scent deeply and I am lulled more to sleep.

I am barely conscious when he moves to take my hand in his. He brings it to my chest and he begins to play with my hand, turning it this way and that, studying it meticulously as if it is of utmost importance to memorize every ridge and every line. The pads of his fingers skim over and about my palm, the back of my hand, and in between my fingers, even tracing the edges of my fingernails. This goes on for a long while and I find myself curiously wondering what this is all about. I allow myself to be immersed in a half-dream half-awake state to enjoy both the feeling of floating while being anchored safely to Hikaru.

I hear him murmur words unintelligibly which I strain to hear, unsuccessfully. I decide it doesn't matter much to me. Hikaru has now grown tired of playing with my hand. His fingers skim up my chest, grazing against my nipples, and I draw my breath in sharply. He seems to be looking for a new body part to play with.

I feel his finger trace the lines of my face and go down the bridge of my nose. Then his palm splays against my cheek while his thumb made languid circular motions. I hum in approval. He does this for quite a while and I am almost asleep. I am fighting unconsciousness actually when he finally moves on to my ear, deciding the sensitive cartilage to be his next target.

"Hikaruu, that tickles." I complained, good-naturedly, breathlessly as his caressing fingers gave way to his warm mouth and wet tongue.

"You don't want me to?" he teased me as his tongue continued its maddening inward outward strokes to my ear, mimicking a very decadent act.

"Mmhgh.." I mumble, my spine arching in response, unsure what I wanted exactly: boneless sleep or spine tingling pleasure.

But his mouth's gentle descent on mine made me decide rather quickly, it is not a competition at all, in fact. This never grows tired at all, does it? As the last remnants of sleep completely leave my mind and the heaviness leaves my lids, I find myself once again drowning in sensations all caused by Hikaru. I would have it no other way.

I dimly remember beginning to hate how he could take command of my body like this, able to demand on the spot that I yield to the mind-blowing feelings only he can create. I remember how this makes me feel slightly disgusted at myself – how I greedily treasure times like this with him. Because I know that in reality, there is no question of what lies in store for this relationship with its veneer of sweetness that leaves me feeling cold when I am all alone.

But right now, when I am assuaged by sensations such as these, how can I bring myself to complain let alone to think of insignificant matters such as my pride and our future? I throw my cares to the wind, promising myself to think about them later. Because what matters most now is this. I am desperately gathering memories. Maybe one day, memories are all that will remain.

"Kaoru…" Hikaru's velvet voice summons my consciousness back into his deep kiss - no longer inexperienced and only clumsy when overcome by frantic arousal. I'm not sure if this is a good thing, but as long as it is I on the receiving end, I will not protest at this.

I moan into his open mouth. My mind is in turmoil, already at the point of incoherence. But I feel something was off with this kiss. I pull away slightly but his head followed mine, trapping me against the pillows. I try to concentrate on the movement of his tongue. Something was just slightly different…

His tongue rubs against mine insistently but gently, and then it leaves mine for short moments only to rub again, coaxing me to… to… to follow! If it is possible, my heart pounds louder in my chest. I try to do as he wants, moving my tongue into his mouth, exploring tentatively at first but growing in confidence as I feel Hikaru's low moans in his throat on my tongue.

I allow my tongue to rub over his hard palate, familiarizing myself with the ridges and creases. I am shocked when Hikaru rolled onto his back, taking me with him. I lose my balance and fall on top of him, panting slightly.

I peer into his eyes curiously but before I could form a question, he pulls me down to him, his mouth already open. I repeat my earlier intrusion into his mouth boldly now, our tongues entwining deliciously, wetly.

I curl my tongue around his, loving the taste and the feel of the firm softness of the muscle. I feel like every time we kiss, there is a constant newness to the flavor, especially now that I am manipulating the way our mouths fuse together and controlling the deepness of the kiss.

He begins to grind his hips against mine, making me all the more aware of our naked forms. Since that first night, we started doing without clothes to bed -- they are more of a bother really, and we can keep each other warm under the covers just fine. Not to mention that it is also very convenient considering the sensuality we usually find ourselves in most of the time in bed.

His persistent rubbing against me makes me separate from him as we both gasp painfully, our lungs heaving from the lack of air. I want him so badly inside me now and I move to lie on the bed, pulling him to me.

I am totally shocked when he refuses to budge and instead, tries to pull me back on top of him.

"Hikaruu.." I whine slightly. We are now having a slight tug-of-war that just frustrates me more. In my opinion, this is completely pointless.

I succeed in pulling him over and I mumble, a bit desperately. "I don't want to hurt you, Hikaru."

"It's only for a little while. It doesn't have to be you on the bottom all the time", he bit out. I am strangely touched by this and I whisper against his lips.

"Next time, okay? When I'm more… in control of myself."

He accepts this, for now. And I know without a doubt he will pursue the idea later on. But I am unable to think further because he is finally sliding into me, a little hurriedly. I close my lips against the slight whimper of pain because I know exactly what is in store. I tremble part in pain but more in anticipation.

Hikaru's lovemaking, and his tender proposal to reverse our roles is really touching. These thoughts nag at the back of my mind. I am dimly aware of them because all I cared about right now is how Hikaru is filling me with his deep thrusts and his moans against my neck.

But the thoughts won't disappear and I acknowledge them half-heartedly. And they only leave my mind alone when I finally acknowledge what they are trying to tell me.

I am not able to let Hikaru go. I will never be able to let Hikaru go. I am fooling myself in thinking that I can accept being in the background. But, no. I will _fight_ for him, if it ever comes to that. If he can find happiness in me, then I will not push us apart any further.

Right now, being in his arms and holding him in mine is all where I want to be. And that would never change, even if I willed it, even if I wanted it.

This is irrevocably final.

Only Hikaru can stop me now.

* * *

A/N:

**Shodaku no Kawari ni ~ In Place of Acceptance  
**

Ahhh lemony… Allow me to quote my dear "J-kun" (SemeLoverGC)  
_**"When life gives you lemons, thank the YAOI gods."**_

I've been thinking how many chapters I can stretch Kagami out… It's like I don't want it to end yet… I feel like I'll miss writing it.. (T,T) But it might get dragging soon if I don't…. Please give me your honest opinions about this… Kaoru can only angst for so long… and he's finally overcoming the main struggle here, really… =,=

If I end this soon.. I'll be left with an angsty Hikaru (in Darkness before Dawn)…  
* blatant plug* =D

[_Shout-out to Choco-chan:_ **CHICKEN**. X3]

Thank you all who are supporting Kagami. _(favorites, alerts, reviews)_  
You all make me writing this feel worthwhile.

PS. hikaru... as uke??? what do you think??


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